Two Tickets to Paradise (for one)

United Airlines has implemented a new policy for super fat flyers. The People Requiring Extra Space (PRES) Policy basically states that if you’re large enough to spill over into the seat next to you, you have to buy that seat too. I rejoice at this change. Allow me to share my close encounter.

My husband, who was merely my boyfriend at the time, and I decided to take a last minute trip. Due to our spontaneity, the flight was fully booked and we were unable to get seated together. My mate was assigned an aisle seat next to an attractive older lady, a few rows ahead of mine. I was assigned the window seat next to an extra large hombre. Once I realized that he was my in flight neighbor, I wished I had been placed on standby or at least that I hadn’t insisted on having the window seat.

My yet-to-be other half was already seated and chatting up his lovely row companion while I made my way to hell. As I reached my row, my future husband glanced over at me. I thought evil thoughts at his grinning mug. Luckily, the look on my face did the trick; he quickly charmed my butt into her seat. He told her that he was taking me to meet his family for the first time and that I was very nervous (all lies, but it worked). Not knowing the switch was on, I sat down in my assigned seat, Mr. Mexico was positioning himself to retake his place (and part of mine) when I saw my seat savior coming to rescue me. I stood up and said, somewhat frenzied, “no, no, no I’m moving” gesturing like a crazy person. I maneuvered around that massive man like a Pro Bowl running back. I didn’t want to give that lady one extra second to change her mind.

Thanks United! One baby step for you = one giant ass in two seats for mankind.