Wednesday, March 31, 2010

For Sale: Artsy Clams

Looking for a gift for that special someone who has everything??? Well, look no further. Khat Amabile's mounted vagina art is available at Etsy for around $50.

Why??? Well...I'm glad you asked, Flashnews has the answer:

Crafter Khat Amabile is strengthening friendships with her Vagina Plaque creations, molds of naughty bits made from clay and fake fur mounted onto a wooden plaque.

The vag plaques, which she sells on Etsy, are in her words, “sort of rude but awesome.” They came to be after helping out a good friend of hers she calls “Pussy Face.”

Apparently, Pussy Face was once stabbed in the vagina with a pencil by her brother and as a result required stitches that left a scar.

To show Pussy Face that her damaged goods were still lovely, Amabile made an artistic ode to her privates because, “That’s what friends do for each other.”

She’s been making the poon plaques ever since, often times “as horrible and grotesque as possible.”

Amabile insists they make great gifts because “everybody loves vagina.”

Everybody loves vagina? Even Ryan Seacrest???

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Why I Drink, Reason Number 543

This is not a tale of Murphy's Law...but it is a tale of teenage girls...

For those of you who do not know, I have been (accidentally) blessed with two offspring. The elder tadpole is a senior in high school...she is the star of this feature:

Setting: Monday (yesterday) afternoon, gym class...yes in Iowa you are required to take PE throughout high school. I assume this is an attempt to graduate a fit student class, it's not really working...but anyway...back to the story. . . After gym class, the daughter took her things out of her locker and placed them on the locker room bench. She left them briefly unattended to speak with a teacher...there was only one other student in her locker pod. The other student is a girl that she has known since elementary school and even attended my daughter's birthday party wayyy back in the fifth grade...ahhh memories...anyhow, my loverly pet returned to the locker room, after a few minutes, to retrieve her items and change out of her gym clothes. That's when she noticed that her phone was missing, along with $20. She announced loudly: "Someone took my phone!"

The thief...let's call her Whitney, well...because that's her name, grabbed her bag and hurriedly fled the locker room. Hmmm....not suspicious at all. She was the only person there, so she either (a) witnessed the crime or (b) she committed it, period. By not offering up any immediate witness information and instead fleeing, I'm going with option b.

The school has a full time police officer on duty, my daughter filed a report with him and informed him about Whitney's suspicious behavior...he interviewed her and called her mom. That's when, I'm pretty sure, the hot phone began its journey to the dump. Aren't girls fun???

Funny side note to the story, which made me literally laugh out loud when I heard it: in addition to the double sawback and the BlackBerry being daughter's jeans had been sabotaged...Whitney ripped the button off. I imagine the poor little genetically challenged phonejacker was upset that she couldn't fit into the pants, so she decided that if she couldn't wear them, nobody would. Again: Aren't girls FUN???

Sorry, I needed to vent....*deep breath*

Anyway...we pay the extra $4.99 per phone for Verizon's insurance (Asurion). I filed the claim online at where I also paid the $50 deductible. A new phone arrived today, less than 24 hours later. Her social life has been righted and I got the customer service equivalent to a happy ending.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Happy Birthday, Duchess!!!

No, not me....Her:

Duchess the orangutan turned the big 5-0 today at the Phoenix Zoo...that's ten years longer than most orangutans live in the wild.

Birthday cheers, to my namesake...I think she has my eyes.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

For Rent: 40NNs

From eBay:
"My name is Anorei Collins and I have 40NN's as seen in the accompanying photos (no joke, I'm being serious).

People stare at me all day long. Wouldn't you like your business name/logo to be stared at as well??

Place your logo or business name on my shirt and I'll happily help you out with advertising while I do all of my everyday activities and some not
so everyday activities too! =)

I can guarantee that your ad will be seen at various locations among the following popular areas in and around Los Angeles and Hollywood, CA"

Whatever you do, do not search Google images for Anorei Collins...unless you're into that sort of [HUGE] thing(s)...

Monday, March 22, 2010

What's That Fragrance You're Wearing???

It is not clear what compromises the concoction but it is advertised as being a "slightly yellow, desirable substance" that contains "more organic content."

UPDATE: You can watch the ad here. Gag alert.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

St. Patrick's Day Kitteh

Wishing you all a happy and S A F E St. Patrick's Day.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

When Alpha Males Attack

I don't know if this is the best story ever, but it's the best one I've read in a can read the entire incident here. The best part (besides his name, Marium Varinauskas):
"The accused got to his feet and was standing over the police officer exposing his penis and thrusting it in her face, forcing her to take evasive action to avoid getting struck."

How big does your dong have to be to use it as a weapon???

I know it's for my own good, but no thanks.

After reading: What Do Detroit, the Postal Service, and Health Care Reform Have in Common? over at Pajamas, I've decided that after Congress is done writing, reading, debating, reconciling, deeming the Health-care Reform Bill maybe they should consider privatizing the USPS.

Also if you're in favor of the HCR Bill or Mitt "I like mandates" Romney, this Ed Morrissey piece from a week ago is a must read: ObamaCare abortion debate rekindles RomneyCare controversies. My two favorite points: 1) RomneyCare is, according to the WSJ, $50 million O V E R budget and 2) premiums are U P.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Marines Aren't Soldiers

This photo is posted at Ace, with the caption: "An American Soldier summarized in one picture." One problem: They are Marines. Solider refers to Army personnel. Not to be nitpick-y, but I married a Marine. There is a difference.

From the embedded reporter, Goran Tomasevic:
U.S. Marine Lance Corporal Chris Sanderson, 24, from Flemington, New Jersey shouts as he tries to protect an Afghan man and his child after Taliban fighters opened fire in the town of Marjah, in Nad Ali district, Helmand province, February 13, 2010. REUTERS/Goran Tomasevic
You can view the rest of the photos here. Some include graphic content, as they were taken in a war zone.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Hello Dumb Dumb

Athletes, politicians and other celebrity types, including the super wealthy are subject to a level of scrutiny that most regular folks cannot fathom. Sex scandals, weight stories and meltdowns sell magazines. Shutterbugs live for the opportunity to catch the latest starlet sans makeup, in a bikini, snorting coke off so-and-so's husband's [fill in the blank]...mega bonus cash if one of them has maintained superstar status.

What was the biggest news story of last year? The sexcapades of Tiger Woods. The three-month-old story was so sensational that it is still worthy of headlines, late night joke fodder and was most likely the cause of the recent worldwide occurrences of earthquakes.

Personally, I don't care that Tiger Woods is a cheating turd biscuit, what I find interesting is: a) how long he hid his indiscretions from TMZ and b) that there weren't any allegations of sexual assault in the mix. He must be nice to his mistresses or something...

This brings me to the topic of Ben Roethlisberger. I have been publicly spanked in the past (mostly on Twitter) by a lawyer friend because of my opinions, which are largely based on the douche-factor, on the alleged criminal behavior of a certain journalist. Full disclosure: I'm judgmental.

Ben Roethlisberger has been accused, again, of sexual assault. I don't know if he's guilty or not...I wasn't there. But I do know this: Roethlisberger is an epic dumbass.

Exhibit A: The Motorcycle Crash
In June, 2006, Roethlisberger was seriously injured in a motorcycle accident. He was not wearing a helmet nor was he licensed to operate this particular class of racing-style motorcycle. Ben suffered multiple facial fractures including a broken jaw. His coach, Bill Cowher had discussed concerns with Ben about his hobby after the motorcycle accident that sidelined Cleveland Browns tight end, Kellen Winslow, Jr, the year before.

Exhibit B: The First Sexual Assault Accusation
In July, 2008, a Harrah's Casino employee claims that Ben Roethlisberger raped her after she was called to his room to fix his television. The alleged victim, Andrea McNulty strikes me as a whackjob...and I honestly didn't believe her story until...

Exhibit C: Hello Dumb Dumb
Last Friday, Ben and some friends were barhopping in Milledgeville, Georgia, where according to a 20-year-old college student, Ben sexually assaulted her in the bathroom of the Capital Club. According to one article:
...reports have called the woman "hysterical" as she described to police what happened, and the police also described her as someone who "did not look like" someone who would make up this kind of story.


Ben Roethlisberger is guilty of epic stupidity and bad judgment, at the very least. After the motorcycle accident, Roethlisberger returned to practice in August 06. He wore a neon green helmet cover which served as a big, bright stop sign to the defense, he was still on the mend from facial reconstruction surgery. After searching many, many photos of Big Ben I was able to find *one* of him wearing the green sheath:

This image reminded me of another:

I bet Big Ben The Pittsburgh Steelers organization wishes The Great Gazoo was available.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Paging Apollo

I. Love. Shoes. I am currently coveting these:

If these python Louboutins end up living in my closet, I will die happy.