Wednesday, April 29, 2009

More Government Uselessness

The government grew a little bigger today. This time the growth spurt was an expansion of federal ‘hate crime’ laws. This new legislation (unlike President Bush, 41 making carjacking a federal crime) does not make ‘hate crimes’ death penalty eligible. HR 1913 seems to want a federal investigation into whether or not a ‘hate crime’ was committed if the victim fits a certain profile. You can’t use Racial Profiling before a crime is committed and now you have to use it after.

Couldn’t you argue that all murders are out of hate? Happy people don’t kill others. This new waste-of-paper bill doesn’t serve any purpose; life without parole is already the sentence in non-death-penalty states for first degree murder with malice. Malice is defined as ‘evil intent’ – killing someone because of their race, religion or sexual orientation is malicious.

Here’s a concept, how about letting the states govern themselves…I mean really, if the feds aren’t going to make the consequence more severe…than, what is the point?

Read the comments on this turd’s blog. Everyone hates him, but I guess in his case it’s not a crime…thank goooooooooooodness!

Monday, April 27, 2009

What's going on?

What's going on? in-law's devastating house fire, the tearful aftermath, a debacled bachelor party, conquering a laundry monster, a very boring NFL draft, a husband's subdued birthday, and five inches of rain = my basement full of water...the Swine Flu is next, I'm sure...and maybe rehab.
Tomorrow I'm hiring a cleaning lady and shoe shopping as I sulk about not going to see Franz Ferdinand.
tickets to see Franz Ferdinand (tomorrow night, in Minneapolis) that won't be getting used

a halfish eaten birthday apple pie

my Wellies which came in handy (or footy) lately

this is what's left of the laundry monster (tis going to the dry cleaners)

my solace

my neglected (and sleeping) pooch

My in-laws dog, Bandit. He jumped in my car, poor little guy wants to go home. Fergie keeps humping him.

me and James wishing for a little more cowbell - I don't fear the reaper...I'd take his hand

Tuesday, April 21, 2009


My in-laws had a terrible house fire last night; you may read the story here. Thankfully everyone got out safely including their little doggie, Bandit. As sad as the aftermath of a devastating event like this is, we had some wine and even managed a few laughs with some very good friends. I'm not usually a sentimental person, but I love my in-laws lots and lots.

Here are a few snapshots…fire is scary, if there is a hell, I don’t wanna go there.

upstairs hallway

upstairs bathroom

upstairs shower

back of house - upper level

me in an upstairs bedroom (with a rake)

the roof is gone

main level family room

Inside the front door - entryway

upstairs bedroom - intercom

Monday, April 20, 2009

tolerance (with a small t)

I love liberals. They are free to have one opinion and you are a dumb bitch for having yours. Perez Hilton (whose real name is Mario Armando Lavandeira, Jr) took time off from outing celebs on his blog to be a judge at this year’s Miss USA pageant. During the question/answer segment, Lavandeira asked Miss California, Carrie Prejean, if she was in favor of legalizing gay marriage (full story). After fumbling for a politically correct answer, Prejean decided to throw herself under the bus. She had the nerve to say that in her opinion marriage should be between a man and a woman. GASP!

Sunday night, Lavandeira vlogged about the exchange, in which he referred to Prejean as a dumb bitch. Now that’s what I call tolerance.

The only thing stupider than me sitting here writing about this, is Perez Hilton himself. You may fight fire with fire…but nobody likes an enflamed flamer.

P.S. Hey Perez, the Miss USA tiara doesn’t come with magical legislative powers.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Two Tickets to Paradise (for one)

United Airlines has implemented a new policy for super fat flyers. The People Requiring Extra Space (PRES) Policy basically states that if you’re large enough to spill over into the seat next to you, you have to buy that seat too. I rejoice at this change. Allow me to share my close encounter.

My husband, who was merely my boyfriend at the time, and I decided to take a last minute trip. Due to our spontaneity, the flight was fully booked and we were unable to get seated together. My mate was assigned an aisle seat next to an attractive older lady, a few rows ahead of mine. I was assigned the window seat next to an extra large hombre. Once I realized that he was my in flight neighbor, I wished I had been placed on standby or at least that I hadn’t insisted on having the window seat.

My yet-to-be other half was already seated and chatting up his lovely row companion while I made my way to hell. As I reached my row, my future husband glanced over at me. I thought evil thoughts at his grinning mug. Luckily, the look on my face did the trick; he quickly charmed my butt into her seat. He told her that he was taking me to meet his family for the first time and that I was very nervous (all lies, but it worked). Not knowing the switch was on, I sat down in my assigned seat, Mr. Mexico was positioning himself to retake his place (and part of mine) when I saw my seat savior coming to rescue me. I stood up and said, somewhat frenzied, “no, no, no I’m moving” gesturing like a crazy person. I maneuvered around that massive man like a Pro Bowl running back. I didn’t want to give that lady one extra second to change her mind.

Thanks United! One baby step for you = one giant ass in two seats for mankind.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

It's Your Party...Go Ahead and Cry

I am a proud and unapologetic fiscal conservative in favor of small government and low taxes. But I just don’t get this tea party business. I know, I know…You’re mad as hell and you’re not gonna take it anymore. Umm…newsflash…yes you are. You are going to pay more taxes. The federal government is going to be bigger than ever and you…yes you…allowed it to happen.

You chose John McCain as your candidate. Then you thought, albeit too late, that maybe he wasn’t the best choice because you really weren’t sure whether or not he was a Maverick…whatever that means. You let the DNC control the campaign and well…you know the result.

So, I have to ask, what did you expect? Barack Obama ran on growing government, an arguably socialist agenda, and the ‘patriotic’ act of raising taxes on families. He, alongside Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid are doing just as they said they would. And, now you want to raise some hell?

I’m not sure what you expect to gain from these tea parties. But if it makes you feel good to gather around with likeminded individuals to wave signs, give speeches, sing songs and do whatever else it is that people do at these things. Have at it. Personally, I have better things to do with my time, like watch paint dry.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Personal Reflection

On this Good Friday I decided to dig deep for some personal reflection. I have come to the conclusion that I am not perfect. Shocker, I know. Actually, I’ve determined that I am quite flawed. But rather than sit here and pick myself a part, I thought it would be more fun to make a list of people that I am better than:

Michael Phleps – I may not have 14 Olympic gold medals, but no one has ever taken my picture sucking on a bong and even if they had, no one would care. Also you've turned into a real asshole.

Lindsay Lohan – Besides not being nearly as freckled as you are (which is something in itself)...The lesbian thing is rather pathetic and you are one big mess.

Octomom – Unlike you, I’ve never been a stripper and if I wanna go to Nordstrom and pick up some MAC lipgloss, no one really cares (also I don’t have a litter of children).

Rihanna – You may be a rich and famous pop singer. But your loser gum commercial boyfriend kicked your ass, you’re back with him and they are not.

John Mayer ­– Congratulations…You’ve gone from musician to Mr. Jen Aniston to Mr. ex-Jen Aniston. See ya on VHI when you get a dating show.

Levi Johnston – Ha! I actually feel sorry for you. Your mom is facing felony drug charges and you’re well…dismal. Maybe you can be Mayer’s wingman/Gilligan.

I’m going to quit now because this is getting boring. But trust me I could go on.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

A Lesson on Pirates

Pirates…I know what you’re thinking…Johnny Depp in movie named after a ride at Disney World…WRONG! These pirates are skinny Africans with ties to al-Qaeda…they are from…hold on to your hats…Somalia. You remember Somalia, that wonderful country on the East Coast of Africa (also located in Uptown Minneapolis). You remember…this one.

Call me crazy…but I have a hard time calling these assholes pirates. A pirate says arrgh, some have peg-legs, a parrot or an eye-patch. Pirates have their own flag and Articles of Agreement. They like to drink rum, sing songs like Yo Ho (a Pirates Life for Me) and hunt for buried treasure. They are NOT skinny, third world Africans that go around hijacking ships with the hope of collecting millions of dollars in ransom.

Just so we’re clear:

This is a pirate.

This is not (sorry I couldn’t resist). Okhe’s not either.

Until I can buy a pirate costume that comes with the Qur’an, an RPG launcher, fake flies, hunger pangs and a plethora of diseases…I’m calling these ‘pirates’ what they are in actuality…dirty little Muslim terrorists.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Madoff's Merkin

Additional charges were filed today in the Madoff Ponzi scheme saga. This time they are civil charges against J. Ezra Merkin, former chairman of GMAC and an ex-board member of the giant hedge fund Cerebrus. You may read the details of the allegations here.

A financial scam-artist named Madoff, not ironic enough for you…how about an alleged middleman named Merkin. A merkin, by definition is a pubic wig originally used by prostitutes in the fifteenth and sixteenth centuries to cover-up lice and venereal diseases.

So just for fun lets say Madoff is a prostitute’s diseased vagina, which has been covered up with a merkin named Merkin. Initially Madoff’s Merkin was a happy place that made visitors feel certain and secure…months later those visitors felt confused and sick…today they feel angry and betrayed. But, just like an old diseased whore, Madoff is going to die alone and destitute, his Merkin has been exposed, and his brood may be next.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Dating for Dummies

I have a ton of single friends. Singles *shout out*! They are always asking for my advice on dating and relationships. After hearing an abundance of dating horror stories (most of them involving hair ‘issues’, impersonations and drunkenness)…I can see that my services are needed now more than ever.

I take my singles advisory job very seriously, because…well, I am *the* coolest chick…trust me …and I do have all of the answers. I suggest following these tips until you are prepared to fly or see a freak flag.

His & Hers

1) The subject of money and exes should not come up.
2) Your mobile device should only be looked at if you’re a parent of a school-aged child...and even then, minimally so.
3) If you do have kids, try not to talk too much about them. Your date knows that your kids are great and that you love them.
4) Everyone loves dogs…if you have a dog…talk about it…if you have a cat…well, I guess that’s ok too *wink*.
5) Keep any medical conditions and medications private…tonight is not the night for disclosure.
6) I’m not one of those that believes that its taboo to discuss politics and or religion. However, if a disagreement on these subjects is a deal breaker you may want to vet your dates before you go out with them.
7) Don’t. get. drunk.

1) Be charming…naturally. Be on time, try to keep portfolio and work talk to a minimum and bear in mind, she doesn’t need to know how drunk you were last (or any) night.
2) Be complimentary…in a tasteful way. Keep it simple…tell her that she looks great. Being specific can put you in a weird place. Saying something like ‘Oh…you got a haircut’ (this may make her think that you don’t like it and it’s a danger zone because maybe she doesn’t like it)
3) Be funny…but not awkward. Don’t tell jokes, imitate Chris Walken or quote any character from your favorite movie (save these for your first ‘freak flag’ presentation)
4) Be chivalrous…but careful. Feel her out (not up). If it’s natural for you to open the car door when she gets in - do it (but understand it may be weird if you do it when she’s getting out). Pay. If she is insistent, insist back and tell her she can reciprocate next time.
5) Be sensible. If you’re meeting for drinks – don’t suggest the bar that you get hammered at once (or thrice) a week. The bartender should not know what you drink and it should be a high-five free zone.

1) Be likable…and friendly. You are on a date. Let him open the door if he wants to. Do converse…don’t filibuster. Unless you’re dating the guy, he doesn’t need to know how much debt you’re in.
2) Be agreeable…and flexible. If you’re dieting, tonight is the night to splurge. He has a mother and is aware of the female species; he doesn’t want to hear about your latest fad diet.
3) Be confident…not conceited. If he compliments you, say thank you…don’t agree or disagree with him about said compliment. Do not talk about your weight. And PLEASE if you think there’s a chance of a visit…be sure the Netherlands are groomed.
4) Be honest…especially if the subject of sports comes up. Just because you know who Tom Brady is and you think he’s hot, doesn’t mean you know anything about football. If you do know sports…giddy-up.
5) Let him pay, but, if you go somewhere after dinner buy at least one round of drinks.
The G'nite
Once you get to the end of the date you’ll be able to take it from there. You’ll know the level of chemistry and what to do next. Have fun…be safe and…Happy Dating!

Thursday, April 2, 2009

G20 Protesters: Eat the Bankers!

Most of these pictures are courtesy of James Bardolph you can find his blog here. Thank you James for allowing me to post these gems!

During his presser at the G20, I was disappointed that President Obama was not asked about the protesters (President Bush certainly would have been). I can not speak for Obama. But I think they are pretty awesome.

Another sign President Bush is no longer in Bush effigies being burned. I guess it would've been considered racist to burn ones of Obama plus they do *love* him and the Mrs. Michelle got to touch the Queen and I heard the royal residence was referred to as Barackingham Palace.

The G20 in pictures:

If I had made this fantastic sign...I would have definitely showed my face!

'What About us' says Michael Jackson ?

The theme for the protest was 'Eat the Bankers'. I don't get it...but tis funneeeee!

This one is *by far* my favorite! She looks like the bird lady in Mary Poppins.

I think this guy is banking on Capitalism...wanna bet this painting is for sale?

Barney Fwank's sign?

Rockin' the bony (bald pony) dreads

This guy looks *a lot* like Patrick 'McDreamy' Dempsey...hmmmm

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

The Good the Bad and I'm Moody

I’m in an unpleasant mood today…my husband refers to it as ‘being in a funk’ which…let me just tell you makes me feel…well...never mind. I decided to sit down and investigate my bitchiness. This is what I’ve uncovered so far:

I ‘m hungry.

I have some housework to do.

I need a haircut and a pedicure.

I may or may not have salmonella poisoning (I eat pistachios almost daily).

I have some householdy errands to run.

In other news…I’m very happy about the following things:

Sugarbetes is on the trading block!

Baseball starts on Monday!

@justkarl sent me this video (via Twitter) and it made me laugh!

I’m not related to these assholes.

Oh well…that is all…for now. I'm off to try to make the rest of my hump day as productive as possible. *fingers crossed*