Really, CBS???

At last count there were no fewer than 178 (give or take) crime-solving dramas on Network TV. Not enough, you say? Well have no fear because CBS is adding another to their fall lineup; CSI Honolulu? No. On September 20, 2010 the Hawaii Five-0 redux will debut on CBS, exactly 42 years from its original air date.

In blasphemous form, the new series will feature the same characters as the original. The role of McGarrett is being played by some skinny Aussie that I’ve never heard of. Zulu’s role of Kono will be portrayed by a chick and worse yet, James Caan’s spawn will be raping the role of Danno. Somewhere, Jack Lord is pissed.

The redux will likely be nothing like the original series, save for the character names. McGarrett will undoubtedly never don a suit. Danno will be portrayed as a snarky, defiant, wiseass. The intro will probably feature an awful remake of the original theme song which will replay over in your head as you think of ways to kill yourself. But don’t worry; you’ll be rewarded with Kono’s sexy silhouette (there’s a phrase you thought you’d never see).

Watch it if you must. I mean if someone is holding a gun to your head, you do what you’re told. Personally, I’d rather watch this fat guy dance to “My Humps” on youtube. But thanks to Monday Night Football on ESPN I don’t have to watch either, unless o’course someone shows up with a gun.

As for CBS, I say: book’em Danno, Murder One.

Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeemix!!!

Fiddy lends some of his cents:



And in case you're wondering Cee-lo approves.

Click to watch on youtube.

Oh yeah and warning, explicit lyrics...duh.

The Best Movie, I Never Heard of

Last night after Red Eye was over with and I got bored reading New York Magazine's Sex Diaries, I flipped over to the movie channels on DirecTV. I decided to fall asleep to Zombieland on Encore, which started in fifteen minutes. In doing so, I caught the last few minutes of the greatest movie ever made, or something. I quickly searched for other showings and smiled, it was starting again at 4:45. I thanked my other husband, DVR, the moon and the stars. Then I cursed the dawn and went to bed.

If movies (and music) were food, I'd weigh 500 lbs and still not be able to name my top ten favorite recipes. Ingredients on the other hand, I could narrow down. Bacon like Russell Crowe, zombie flicks and Stones tunes never disappoint. You know who else always delivers? A badass mutha, you jive turkey!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Black Dynamite:


click the screen to watch on You Tube

You're welcome.

If I had a million dollars...I'd invest in a gay club next to the Ground Zero Mosque

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. That's just what Greg Gutfeld is intending to do with his NYC neighbors planning on building a mosque and Islamic cultural center near Ground Zero in lower Manhattan.

If Muslims want to build a bridge between our two cultures in an area that is stained with innocent American blood at the hands of Islamic terrorists, I say sure. Muhammad, can you handle this? Mullah, can you handle this? Allah, can you handle this? I don't think they can handle this:

From The Daily Gut:

"I'm announcing tonight, that I am planning to build and open the first gay bar that caters not only to the west, but also Islamic gay men. To best express my sincere desire for dialogue, the bar will be situated next to the mosque Park51, in an available commercial space.

This is not a joke. I've already spoken to a number of investors, who have pledged their support in this bipartisan bid for understanding and tolerance.

As you know, the Muslim faith doesn't look kindly upon homosexuality, which is why I'm building this bar. It is an effort to break down barriers and reduce deadly homophobia in the Islamic world.

The goal, however, is not simply to open a typical gay bar, but one friendly to men of Islamic faith. An entire floor, for example, will feature non-alcoholic drinks, since booze is forbidden by the faith. The bar will be open all day and night, to accommodate men who would rather keep their sexuality under wraps - but still want to dance."

The Twitter family has taken it upon itself to help come up with a name for Gutfeld's Bar. I suggested: Ba'ath House. You can read the others here.

Shoe Drive!

I haven't posted in a while for several reasons, mostly because I'm lazy and feeling uninspired. That all changed today after receiving this email from my friends at Saks:

I want them all. . .but, I have to have these:


Hot, right? I need them, badly. If each of my Twitter followers sends me $1.37, I could buy them. It's unlikely that each of my Twitter followers will do that, so you should send more. Thanks in advance!

PS If I don't get these boots, I will die.

PPS They will sell out, so you should hurry.

UPDATE:

Shoe Drive Status:
...not exactly the way I'd hoped. Do you want me to beg? Ok, fine. You can't see me but, trust me, I'm on my knees. Thanks, I love you.

Tonight on Smart Girl Report...ME!

Okay...so apparently Jenny Erikson has lost her mind or a bet, I'm not sure which; because, today she interviewed me for her radio show, Smart Girl Report. Why? I have no idea. Is it opposite day? Hmmm.

A few points:

1. I did not drink before or during the interview. If it sucks, blame this.

2. I am drinking now.

3. Jenny has a lovely phone/radio voice.

4. I'm just getting over a cold and may or may not sound like the spawn of Helen Thomas.

5. I can't remember exactly what we chatted about, tho I'm certain we were interesting, charming and smart or something...at least half of us. I was too focused on not saying any curse words. I didn't. SUCCESS!

6. The last time I was on the radio was in 1988 to dedicate INXS - Never Tear Us Apart to my junior high boyfriend.

Tune in tonight at 10 pm ET. I'll be live drunk tweeting the interview and perhaps my suicide after.

Smooches Jenny! Thanks again (I think). *wink*

Also, special thanks to Sean Hackbarth. You're the cats pajamas.

Vodka Taste Test: The Results

After many weeks and many Advil I have come to the determination that vodka is not unlike toilet paper. There are many different kinds, some are smoother than others and there are some you'd wish you never tried. But, they all have one thing in common. . .they get the job done.

I've tried close to 70 different vodkas. I set out to try 100, but I think I'm done. I refuse to taste any of those Jolly Rancher-esque, artificially flavored bullshit varieties.

Of the nearly 70 that I sampled, most of them were palatable, few were like drinking fire water and even fewer were so crisp and clean that they mimicked something as pure as rainwater. Albeit, rainwater is free; vodka that tastes like rainwater is quite the opposite.

With a few exceptions, you really can't go wrong with vodka as a libation. Here's what you need to know:

1. Absolut wins the award for best marketing with the worst product. This wasn't news to me and should not be news to you. If you ask for Absolut by name, you are a fool and deserve the headache.

2. Russian vodkas are not created equal. For example Jewel of Russia Ultra made me purr while Russian Standard vodka could have fueled my lawnmower. Russian Standard's higher end sister Imperia was less offensive, but not as delicate and enticing as the Jewel. I am still on the lookout for a watering hole that offers Kauffman Luxury Vintage Vodka. At $225 a bottle, I'm intrigued.

3. Just because a celebrity is peddling it, don't be a sucker and buy it. In a blind taste test, I couldn't tell the difference between Ciroc, Crystal Head and Smirnoff Red Label. Also if you even consider purchasing Ed Hardy Vodka, please do me a favor and don't vote...ever.

Favorites (in no particular order):

Jewel of Russia Ultra
Vox
Tito's
Grey Goose
Ketel One
Jean Marc XO
Stoli Elite
42 Below
Svedka
Skyy