Thursday, September 2, 2010

Really, CBS???

At last count there were no fewer than 178 (give or take) crime-solving dramas on Network TV. Not enough, you say? Well have no fear because CBS is adding another to their fall lineup; CSI Honolulu? No. On September 20, 2010 the Hawaii Five-0 redux will debut on CBS, exactly 42 years from its original air date.

In blasphemous form, the new series will feature the same characters as the original. The role of McGarrett is being played by some skinny Aussie that I’ve never heard of. Zulu’s role of Kono will be portrayed by a chick and worse yet, James Caan’s spawn will be raping the role of Danno. Somewhere, Jack Lord is pissed.

The redux will likely be nothing like the original series, save for the character names. McGarrett will undoubtedly never don a suit. Danno will be portrayed as a snarky, defiant, wiseass. The intro will probably feature an awful remake of the original theme song which will replay over in your head as you think of ways to kill yourself. But don’t worry; you’ll be rewarded with Kono’s sexy silhouette (there’s a phrase you thought you’d never see).

Watch it if you must. I mean if someone is holding a gun to your head, you do what you’re told. Personally, I’d rather watch this fat guy dance to “My Humps” on youtube. But thanks to Monday Night Football on ESPN I don’t have to watch either, unless o’course someone shows up with a gun.

As for CBS, I say: book’em Danno, Murder One.


  1. You are very funny! Well written and enjoyable.

  2. Great rant!

    Sadly, the bastardized Hawaii 5-0 theme they are using is STILL the best TV theme today. Which means two things: the original theme was just that awesome thatnit shines through our lame attempts to update it, and our culture has fallen far enough that remixes theme songs not as good as their predecessors still beat the original crap are coming up with.