Migraines and Remedies and Shoes

Hey Kids (<- capitalized because you *are* important),

I wanted to share something with you because sharing is caring and I care...somewhat. Anyway, I suffer from, I hate cliches. I get hormonal migraines, I don't like the way that sounds.

I get menstrual migraines. Sorry, that's a bit more graphic and specific yet accurate. While I'm being specific and in case you're a doctor who wants to send me Vicodin, I only get them when I ovulate on one side and never while doing so on the other. I also had an ovarian cyst removed on that side half a score ago (you like it when I go all Abe Lincoln on you, dontcha?). The point of this post isn't to bitch it's to HELP. Seriously. Read on, I'm helpful and drunk.

Usually caffeine (most often in the form of strong coffee) and multiple masturbation sessions is my go-to migraine remedy but this month I was visited by a very special caffeine, orgasm (I know, GASP!) resistant, stomach turning varietal Migraine (<-capitalized for emphasis) which caused me to spend a lot of time whining in the room with the toilet. Sorry, again.

It should be noted that I have tried almost every prescription migraine medicine, none of them work...for me. And if you know me, you know I love pills. Please note: Vicodin is not technically a "migraine medicine", however it works for everything and I highly recommend using it whenever you can and are blah, blah prescribed it by a licensed physician blah. Cutting to the chase Dammit! Another cliche. If you also get migraines and you, like me, have tried EVERYTHING. Save yourself a trip to the doctor's office (unless your doctor is hot) and go to your local/favorite store that sells candy and buy a big package of Lifesaver Wint-O-Green candies, eat and repeat until your head feels like as normal as it did the day before.

You can thank me later or now...donate to the fund, I need these shoes and you didn't buy me anything for my birthday.

Cheers!

Down the Rabbit Hole with Twitter and Punctuation

Hey Kids,

It's been a while, I know...unless you follow me on Twitter, then it's been real. Remember when people used to say that? Yeah, I didn't think so. If you don't follow me on Twitter, why in the Hell not??? Also if you do, I likely owe you an apology...which I will be happy to give, for a donation to my shoe/drug/vodka fund, dollars make hollers.

Anyway, this post isn't about Twitter at all, even though it sort of started off that way. Did I mention that I love Twitter, because I do. Twitter [and vodka] is/are my life, which is sad slash awesome.

Speaking of [brackets], have you ever noticed that British authors use them in place of parenthesis (I think) -also they use a lot of dashes while punctuating, the long kind...which I don't know how to make with my keyboard, but I can draw one.

See:

My favorite punctuation mark is the ellipsis...not because I like to pause for emphasis, but because I frequently tend to ramble on [with run-on sentences] and nothing breaks up a sentence like dot-dot-dot.

Don't be fooled, this post isn't about Twitter or punctuation, it's about my live ustream show, Down the Rabbit Hole with Duchess Rebecca [<- that's me]. Tomorrow night I will be joined by Polk County (Iowa) GOP, Co-Chair, Dave Funk.

You see, until the "First in the Nation" Iowa caucuses in February, "Iowa" and "GOP presidential pool" are going to go together like country music and firearms, so you may as well get your information from someone who lives and drinks here. I promise not to bore the pants off of you and not just because you won't be wearing any.

If you have questions for Dave or me or my mom, ask'em:

twitter: @duchessrebecca

email: duchessrebecca@gmail.com

...or post them here in the comments and don't forget to tune in 12 am ET/9 pm PT!

Also, if you'd like to send me something...something good...my birthday *is* coming up (I wear a size 39/8.5 and I will fly coach):

Duchess Rebecca

PO Box 13332

Des Moines, IA 50310

Duchess Rebecca: Fortune Teller???

Building a brand is harder than I thought. And, I'm no sellout. The things that are near and dear to my heart, I'd never try to duplicate; Spanx, Grey Goose, Astroglide and Hormel Black Label bacon are perfection. And shoes...there are too many delicious labels to list, well I could but...I'm under the influence and lazy. However, I would like to acknowledge that Steve Madden's cheap Louboutin knockoffs make me ill; also, Jessica Simpson and Fergie's versions make me homicidal (that means smell bleu cheese, right?).

Tonight I wondered on Twitter:

How does one get a job writing fortune cookies? I'd be super awesome at that.

Amirite? I hate people that use "amirite". *slaps self* Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, they'll be no need to add "in bed" to my fortunes and forget about "lucky numbers".

Examples of a Duchess Rebecca Fortune Cookie:

-Buy the shoes. Fuck that guy.

-Bite the bullet. Eat the worm.

-You reek of garlic. You're going to die alone.

-Guess What? 鸡屁股!

-Stop saying "winning", douche.

-You are too drunk to drive, but nobody cares enough to stop you.

-Tonight/today is the beginning/end of the rest of your life.

-You are here.

Late night, drunken brainstorms are the best. Thanks, @somethingfishie!

P.S. It should be noted that I have no idea how to use a semicolon, nor do I care.

Ifunerary

Hey kids, I hope your week is crazy delicious. If not, allow me to spice it up!

Tonight...

I will be joining, Breitbart.tv Editor-in-Chief, Larry O'Connor on his live radio carnival, The Stage Right Show, sometime during the midnight hour (ET) to discuss the upcoming royal wedding. He thinks it is "total crap", I disagree. There's no video for tonight's show...so, I'll be naked save for a professional-strength, self-neutralizing glycolic peel and o'course also, drunk.

Last weekend, I visited the Diana exhibit at Kansas City's Union Station and I've been glued to BBC America for two days, so I am geared up for this discussion as well as the grand nuptials. Tune in, or else.

Thursday...

My show, Down the Rabbit Hole with Duchess Rebecca, will be broadcast from Webcast One Live studios in Des Moines. My cameraman, Jacob Moyer of Luminary Creative, is out of town. I couldn't find a replacement player so we're going to give the studio a whirl. Remember to take a disco nap and set your alarm for midnight ET/9 pm PT. (Just hours before Wills and Kate exchange vows.) *squeal*

Monday, May 9, 2011...

I will be speaking at the Des Moines 140 (Twitter) Conference at the Stoner Theater in the Civic Center. The conference is from 8 am - 5 pm. I am speaking last, either because I'm the best or because I was the last person to be included. You decide. Come on down to show your support...or to heckle me. Tickets are $57.50 correction: $60 (plus tax), register here. Many thanks to Debworks for allowing me to take part.

Thoughts? Gifts? Send them my way...

twitter: @duchessrebecca

email: duchessrebecca@gmail.com

snail mail: Duchess Rebecca

P.O. Box 13332

Des Moines, IA 50310

March Madness Wish List

I've been a relatively good girl but that could all change with a pair of these...

Casadei Platform Sandals

or these...

Vera Wang Brie Sandal

It's late, you're drunk...send me a present:

Duchess Rebecca

PO Box 13332

Des Moines, IA 50310

PS. See a pair that you like better? Fine. I'm a size 39 and did I mention, I love you? Because I do.

PPS. Go Rams!!!

I'd Get Kicked Out of BYU for These...

...yeah who am I kidding, I'd get kicked out of BYU for a lot less. But if you're feeling generous, you can donate these lovelies (size 9) to my lustful feet or hit the shoe fund.

Don't forget to watch my show, Down the Rabbit Hole, tonight at 12 am ET/9 pm PT, donors get shoutouts. . .buy me the shoes, win my eternal love.

You can send me shoes, or anything else, to:

Duchess Rebecca

PO Box 13332

Des Moines, IA 50310

...as for penis pics, you can send those to your mom.

Newt? Nope.

Rumor has it that former Speaker of the House, Newt Gingrich is going to make his big "I'm running for President" announcement this week. Yawn, we all knew this was coming. I liken Newt to President Clinton in two areas, skeletons and playing political chameleon. Neither is a compliment to the former Speaker. Let's take a look at Newt on the issues (I yield to Google on the skeletons), from Newt.org:

Keeping America Safe:

"We cannot merely shift resources from current activities. Instead, we must create a bigger national security system with a bigger budget and a more robust capacity to deal with multiple threats simultaneously."

Bigger, two; Robust Capacity, one; Efficient, zero

Limited Government: (heh, see above)

"An America marked by limited government, honest politicians, and a small bureaucracy, and which focuses on fairness and the rule of law, is the antithesis of a secular-socialist America dominated by political machines of big government, huge bureaucracies, and powerful politicians."

Prediction: Prepare to hear "secular-socialist" A LOT also heh.

Jobs:

"We should cut the corporate tax rate to 12.5% to match Ireland and match China on investment by eliminating the capital gains tax completely. We should also cut payroll taxes by 50% for both the employer and employee and provide a 100% tax write-off for new equipment. Eliminating the death tax would be both morally correct and a boon to economic growth."

APPLAUSE!!!

Health-Care:

"We must repeal and replace the left’s big government health bill with real solutions that will lower costs and improve health outcomes."

Replace? That scares me. If you read his entire healthcare rant position, it sounds as if a democrat could've written it...minus the use of the word "miasma", of course.

Education:

"We need to break out of our broken and outdated education model by expanding the use of charter schools and embracing school vouchers (or Pell Grants for K-12) to give parents immediate options if their child is trapped in a failing school."

Blah, blah, blah. Applause.

Environment and Energy:

"'Green conservatism' aims to bring about a cleaner, greener world while protecting the freedom and dignity of all people and ensuring their right to a better economic future"

Prediction: Prepare to hear "green conservatism" A LOT also world? heh.

Immigration:

"Any new worker visa program created to incorporate those illegal immigrants in the US with steady employment must be designed in a high tech way to make forgery impossible."

Sounds like somebody hearts an amnesty plan. R I N O.

Religious Liberty: (two parter)

"The secular socialist left – who hates the idea of an authority higher than the government - has used its domination of academia, the courts, and the media to twist the meaning of the first amendment from a right that protects religious liberty to prohibition on religious expression in the public square."

SECULAR SOCIALIST!!! R'rrrrar.

"To fight back, Newt and Callista have produced the Rediscovering God in America series (books and DVDs) to show how central religious expression in the public square was at the founding of America and throughout our history."

Rediscovery > Skeletons (also, I guess you're supposed to buy his books and DVDs)

And finally, my favorite category...

Judicial Activism:

"The elected branches – the executive and legislative – have other recourses to serve as a check against judicial overreach, including limiting the jurisdiction of federal courts on matters where they have consistently overreached their constitutional authority."

Dude.

Dear Newt, please go away...unless you want to be the next Job Czar. Also, thanks for the material.