Sunday, July 10, 2011

Migraines and Remedies and Shoes

Hey Kids (<- capitalized because you *are* important),

I wanted to share something with you because sharing is caring and I care...somewhat. Anyway, I suffer from, I hate cliches. I get hormonal migraines, I don't like the way that sounds.

I get menstrual migraines. Sorry, that's a bit more graphic and specific yet accurate. While I'm being specific and in case you're a doctor who wants to send me Vicodin, I only get them when I ovulate on one side and never while doing so on the other. I also had an ovarian cyst removed on that side half a score ago (you like it when I go all Abe Lincoln on you, dontcha?). The point of this post isn't to bitch it's to HELP. Seriously. Read on, I'm helpful and drunk.

Usually caffeine (most often in the form of strong coffee) and multiple masturbation sessions is my go-to migraine remedy but this month I was visited by a very special caffeine, orgasm (I know, GASP!) resistant, stomach turning varietal Migraine (<-capitalized for emphasis) which caused me to spend a lot of time whining in the room with the toilet. Sorry, again.

It should be noted that I have tried almost every prescription migraine medicine, none of them work...for me. And if you know me, you know I love pills. Please note: Vicodin is not technically a "migraine medicine", however it works for everything and I highly recommend using it whenever you can and are blah, blah prescribed it by a licensed physician blah. Cutting to the chase Dammit! Another cliche. If you also get migraines and you, like me, have tried EVERYTHING. Save yourself a trip to the doctor's office (unless your doctor is hot) and go to your local/favorite store that sells candy and buy a big package of Lifesaver Wint-O-Green candies, eat and repeat until your head feels like as normal as it did the day before.

You can thank me later or now...donate to the fund, I need these shoes and you didn't buy me anything for my birthday.

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