Libya's Diddy Rapes Billy Joel

Qaddafi aka Gaddafi aka Kaddafy aka al-QADHAFI

(aka Libya's Diddy)
To the tune of Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire"

United Nations, Swine Flu, Ronald Reagan, Evil Jews
Adolf Hitler, MLK, Son of Africa

Saddam Hussein, India, Monkey Wrench, Foot rub
I heart Mecca, Legal pad, Homophobia

Terrorism, Afghans, I love the Taliban
Civil wars are the best, mind your own business!

Chester Cheetah, Big Bird, Conspiracy is the word
Mandingo, Apple Jacks, MTV, Mars Attacks

I love Obama
He blows my mind
It happens all the time.
I love Obama
He is not my son
But, that would be fun.

Jimmy Carter, Pakistan, Pirates aren't Somalian
New York, Big Tent, Long Live Barack!

Rolling Thunder, Sandstorm, This outfit is an art form
Co-pilot, Central Park, Night light in the dark

Led Zeppelin, Kashmir, A&W Root Beer
Clean water, Darfur, I am rich, they are poor.

Jelly Beans, Baseball, Tiffany, Daryl Hall
Capri Sun, Pop Tarts, Where the hell is Walmart?

I love Obama
He blows my mind
It happens all the time.
I love Obama
He is not my son
But, that would be fun.

Pet Rock, Kanye West, I don't have hair on my chest
Chinese food, lunch time, fortune cookie on my mind

Colonel Sanders, KFC, Ich bin ein Iraqi
HIV, Huck Finn, I have hair on my chin

Facebook, MySpace, Kelly Clarkson, Neck Brace
Ramadan, Sharia Law, Medicine: free for all

Kennedy Assassination, I demand an investigation
Jack Ruby devil Jew, What else can I tell you?

I love Obama
He blows my mind
It happens all the time.
I love Obama
He is not my son
But, that would be fun.

Buster Brown, Hogwash, Aqua Fresh, Yellow Squash
Will Ferrell, Matt Damon, Fandango

Bird Flu, Death Star, He-Man, Battle Scar
Dick Cheney, Darth Vader, I need a new Translator

UN Equality, Fifteen minutes not enough for me,
Where was I, What's today? I have so much more I want to say!!!

I love Obama
He blows my mind
It happens all the time.
I love Obama
He is not my son
But, that would be fun.

Tina Fey, Michael Bay, Matthew McConaughey
Octomom, Car bomb, Lip balm, Vietnam
Jacko, Plaxico, Costco, Anna Nicole
Eastern Europe unprotected, Ahmadinejad reelected

Millionaire, Game show, Lottery ticket, Big toe
Megan Fox, Johnny Depp, Tim Burton, Two Step
Racism at your door, Jet lag makes you snore
Peanut Butter and Foreign wars, I can't take it anymore!!!

I love Obama
He blows my mind
It happens all the time.
I love Obama
He is not my son
But, that would be fun.

Dear Facebookers: I Don't Like This

I wouldn't go as far as to say I hate Facebook...I mean, I appreciate it for what it offers: the opportunity to reconnect with and update friends and out of state relatives on what's going on in your life. As for the quizzes, (lil) Green Patch application, Farmville, Yoville and Mafia Wars...no thanks.

I usually only update my Facebook status to offer my friends my latest blog post, this is probably due to my relationship with Twitter. I tweet a lot. Facebook is a bit passive for my taste. I like the interaction that Twitter offers. Yes, Facebook has the chat option...and I do sign in to partake once in a while. But honestly...how often can you catch up with someone? And while there are some that I enjoy chatting with, there are others that I could have died without ever 'reconnecting' with.

My friend, Sam, linked this CNN article entitled: The 12 most annoying types of Facebookers, to my Facebook wall, after I posted this crotchety comment: "I hate it when I say something to someone and their response is: that should be your Facebook status. Also, I don't care how many miles you can run." Apparently, I am a self-promoting curmudgeon. Oh, well in accordance with my CNN Facebook title, allow me to add these five status updaters to the list (in no particular order):

1) Runners, Gymrats, etc. You know them, you're friends with them. Dear K'ers and Meatheads: If you can run ten miles, good for you...no one cares. If you really can bench *that much*...Giambi called, he needs his head back...also, you're a douche.

2) Love. Love. Love. You know who you are. 'Jenny has the greatest boyfriend in the whole world.' or 'Matt says thanks to Alice for making him the luckiest man on the planet.' or 'Judy is enjoying her fifth day as Mrs. Johnson. I love you, Paul.' Barf. Barf. Barf.

3) The Bar Photogs The chicks that are within an eye shot of you taking pics of each other...not because one of them is celebrating...just because they're out, they're drunk and they wanna document it for Facebook. You're sitting there at your local watering hole, enjoying a cocktail, chatting up a friend and there they are with their camera flashing every however-long-it-takes for one of them to veto the last pic because she looks drunk and or fat. Newsflash: you are drunk and or fat. Now put the camera away before I smash it.

4) Hybrid Tweeps Those that use Twitter and Facebook simultaneously. Your @ replies don't make any sense to your non-Twitter, Facebook friends...they don't know what a RT is and they probably don't care. Save your tweets for your tweeps...if you must include Facebookers...use the #fb hashtag, with care. Unless of course, you don't care...then carry on, crossbreed. (I still love you Sooper Trev).

5) Status Checkers You know who I'm referring to (maybe he's your husband): The ones that artfully design a thoughtful, witty, funny...basically *the* perfect Facebook status and then they proceed to check their wall every few minutes, or so, to see if anyone has commented or 'liked' their update. They may even go as far as to ask you: 'did you see my Facebook status?' Hugs, loser.

Happy updating! Feel free to use the comments section to supplement my list with your own Facebook grumbles. If you want to leave a nasty, troll-y comment, you can do that too.

Know Your Limits & Don't Try this at Home

Nothing says marital bliss like buying a new piece of furniture. Two weeks ago, the husband and I chose a new chair and ottoman for our bedroom. Today we brought it home...and let me just say: nothing says 'I hate you' like trying to carry new chair upstairs by ourselves. Apparently my husband is an expert furniture mover, which really doesn't surprise me since he is an expert on everything else.

For now the chair is sitting downstairs in the living room (on its side)...I am hopeful that it will be up in our bedroom soon, placed there carefully by more qualified individuals (that aren't married to one another).

Note to husband: I never claimed to be a furniture mover with super human strength. I deeply regret, whatever I did to give you that impression.

Here's the ottoman which we were able to manage (barely) without incident:

Boycott School??? Really?

As many of you have heard by now, President Obama is planning to give a back to school address to students nationwide on September 8, 2009. Some on the right think this is let's just say...not a good thing. I am indifferent to the idea. I respect the man, I don't agree with him on much of anything, but I have a kooky feeling that Obama is going to take this opportunity to discuss the importance of education goals, civic duty and *gasp* personal responsibility...which call me crazy...are not horrible things to talk about to kids. Of course, it can be argued that it is a parent's job...blah, blah, blah. Newsflash: some kids have crap parents.

The speech was originally outlined in a way that suggested the president was asking for children to offer their advice to him, that language has been removed....the updated outline can be seen here.

Some conservative parents are keeping their cherubs home from school on September 8th. I'm not sure why. Kids are already liberalized in the public school system. They seem to learn more about energy saving tips than they do on the subject of grammar and well, there's all that talk about penises and vaginas in kindergartens across America that gets cons all kinds of worked up.

Teaching your child to avoid listening to those you disagree with is kind of silly and can backfire. Fear not, I once heard Jesse Jackson speak at my school...my heart didn't all of the sudden start bleeding...quite the opposite, in fact...I went home and thanked my dad.

The Chronicles of Kennedy: The Lion, the Ditch and the Chivas Regal

In case you missed it, The Liberal Lion of the Senate, Senator Edward 'Ted' Kennedy died of cancer, he was 77 years of age. Sen. Kennedy played hardball, but I suppose that's normal when you're the youngest to a boot-legging Irishman, add a couple of bright, competitive older brothers and you get a perfect storm of sorts for someone like Teddy.

Kennedy was spirited and driven. While, I may question his motives and sincerity to the causes he seemed to hold so dear (except abortion, I believe he was really, really in favor of that one) I cannot question his determined and willful demeanor.

Kennedy will be remembered by all. Some will remember the 300 Bills he lent his name to that were enacted into law, others have personal stories of his kindness, some may think of his infectious laugh. But, for others, like me...Kennedy was a spoiled, all-in politician. He loved women, scotch, and Chris Dodd. Oh and also, he was responsible for Mary Jo Kopechne's death at Lake Chappaquiddick.

Apparently it is frowned upon to speak (or tweet) unfavorably about the recently deceased, factual or otherwise (unless you are the Daily Kos). Air America decided to post a few distasteful tweets from conservatives on Twitter regarding the passing of Uncle Teddy, they included one from little ole me. My father would be so proud.

Top Ten Products That'll Make You Say...Bienvenue, Gorgeous!

Beauty products can either be the egg in one's beer (which believe it or not, is a good thing) or egg on your face. Celebrity endorsements, online reviews posted by strangers, millions of dollars in advertising paired with our own flaws, hormones and self-esteem struggles lead to an endless cycle of the love-hate relationship between women and the cosmetics counter.

Allure magazine and Sephora have annual surveys for patrons to vote for the best beauty items. I find these two surveys to be the most helpful and useful of their kind. Sephora.com has also added a review option for users to post their recommendation or lack there of for each product sold.

I prefer to shop online for most of my makeup and skin care merchandise. This way I avoid any pushy, overly made up, lab coat clad, cosmetic counter lady, the horrible department store lighting and the dreaded, unavoidable, magnification mirrors that will make you buy anything with the words pore minimizer printed on it, no matter what the cost or benefit. Also online shopping allows no-hassle returns (Sephora.com offers free shipping on returns).

Another benefit to shopping online...airline miles. Yes, that's correct. American Airlines offers mileage for participating retailers when you shop online. If you have an American Airlines AAdvantage number...you are set to go...if not, go to aa.com and sign up. Once assigned a number you are ready to earn miles while you shop. Just visit https://www.aadvantageeshopping.com/ click the 'See All Merchants' tab on the left...type in your AAdvantage number, first and last name and you will earn at least one mile per dollar that you spend. Sephora.com, Clinique.com, beauty.com, drugstore.com, Dillards.com, Nordstrom.com and Saks.com are all eligible; each offering between two and four miles per dollar spent. Think about the money you spend on beauty maintenance items alone- you'll be on a trip somewhere fabulous in no time, just for buying these products online via the AAdvantage eshopping website.

Below is a list of my top ten fave products, in no particular order. I recommend that you use these items with your preferred foundation or foundation primer formulated with a minimum of SPF 15, as the products listed below do not offer this protection.

Elizabeth Arden Prevage Anti-Aging Treatment: $155 - This miracle serum brightens and tightens your face. It's expensive, but it works. Serves as a mini-facial for the morning after a long night *wink, wink*.

Almay oil-free eye makeup remover pads $4.99 - Gentle and effective, even on waterproof mascara, it's cheap, but it is the best.

Clinique All About Eyes Rich eye cream $28.50 - I've tried at least ten different kinds of eye cream, this one is the best. Moisturizing, line diminishing and gentle enough for your lids.

Clarins High Definition Body Lift $65 - Not only does this formula smooth out your trouble spots, it makes your skin, sinfully soft.

Clarins Bust Beauty Firming Lotion $54 - Specially formulated for your decollete, this gentle lotion is non-oily and quick to dry, leaving behind a smooth and toned bust.

Clinique Dramatically Different Moisturizing Lotion $24-$35 (depending on size) - This everyday moisturizer is lightweight and scent free.

Boscia Purifying Cleansing Gel $21 - Leaves your face feeling clean and fresh without drying it out. Perfect for all skin types.

Clinique Acne Solutions Emergency Gel-Lotion $13.50 - Grown women aren't supposed to have breakouts. But, if you do, just put a bit of this magic cream on your unwanted visitor and within 24 hours you will see a dramatic improvement. Don't squeeze or pick...trust me, this stuff works!

Tweezerman Tweezers $20 - These stainless steel slanted tweezers are great when you're in-between an eyebrow wax. They make the plucking process as painless as possible.

Shu Uemura Eyelash Curler $19 - Use before you apply your fave mascara for a sexy, bright eyed look. You've tried other eyelash curlers, now try the best.

Feel free to leave comments about your fave beauty products. Caring is sharing!

Don't Feed the Animals...(Me)

Okayyy, I've eaten my way out of my size 27 jeans (technically, some of them still fit, but I can hear their screams when I put them on). I'm not a size queen...y'know the type of girl that wears a smaller size, because she can physically get in them. Not I...I prefer to look as if the pants are not an optical illusion and well there's that whole 'toe' thing.

Like many women I have tried every diet out there and even made up one involving a shit load of sugar-free Jello and a slight addiction to Xanex (just kidding, Mom). This time I'm on my version of the low-carb diet: meat with veggies, Cool Whip Free and vodka club sodas with an occasional handful of nuts or a spoonful of extra chunk peanut butter.

It's been nine days, I haven't tried my jeans on yet...but...I did weigh myself. Early conclusion: Scales are evil and they lie. I've lost four lousy pounds, but I think my butt is smaller (or perhaps that's just the result of distorted vision from being hungeeee).

After avoiding my arch-nemesis aka the grocery store for nine days, I braved the journey today, because let's be honest the supermarket is no place for a person in my condition. I spent about an hour at the store (mostly reading nutritional labels). I made it outta there without sitting in the bakery department abusing an overly frosted cake. Success.