Happy 2010!!!

Wishing all of my family, friends and Twittertown neighbors a healthy and happy 2010!

xoxo *smooooooch*

Welcome Home

For the second consecutive Christmas, our family guested in Costa Rica. The ten days went by quickly, as vacations tend to do. We stayed in Jaco Beach on the Pacific Coast at the Club del Mar resort. You won't find a nicer staff anywhere on the planet.

After four straight days of tropical rain which led to a bazillion calories of food and drink, I was ready for some sun. Tuesday, I was awakened by a lawnmower coiffing the grounds outside of our garden condo, it was a welcome sound, as it meant that it was no longer raining. I jumped up, awakened the husband and tadpoles, threw on my swimsuit, sucked in my gut, grabbed my book and soaked up a healthy dose of Vitamin D (and some daiquiris). We had great weather the rest of the week. The husband and tadpoles went ziplining...I passed. The male youngling took a two-hour private surf lesson, the little kahuna is a natural. The female youngling and I played competitive pool volleyball...while the boys went on a horseback ride. Nothing says family fun like whacking a volleyball at each other. The people of Costa Rica are some of the nicest in the world, you go from being treated like a special guest to being treated like an adored family member. There were warm embraces as we said goodbye (and yes, the warmest went to my favorite bartender). Visit, just stay clear of San Jose...like any big city it's dirty and higher in crime.

Our flight home on December 27th was just two days after the crotch bomber incident, so air travel was even more inconvenient. We arrived at the San Jose airport (we spent our last night in San Jose, as Jaco is about two hours away) at 10:30 am for a 1:45 pm flight. The lines were long, travelers were tired and confused. Between the flaming nutsack and all of the snow in the states, there were more than a few delays. Continental Airlines out of Costa Rica would not allow *any* liquids or make-up powders in your carry-on bag. So, after waiting in line to pay the exit travel tax of $26 and then waiting in line to check our bags at the airline counter, we were scrambling to locate all of our carefully packed ziploc bags of liquids and powder make-up in our carry-on bags to place them in our suitcases. I said a little prayer for my baggie full of cherished lip glosses to make it back to me unscathed, it did. I will say that the Continental Airlines counter agent, Roger, was both kind and professional. He noted that our seats were not together and moved us around so that our family of four had and entire row to ourselves (the flight was not full).

Bags checked, through security and still about two hours before our flight, we decided to peruse the gift shop where the most popular t-shirt read "Costa Rica No Army", we grabbed some food court fare and made our way to the gate. They made us all show our boarding passes and passports once again at the gate counter, then they lined us all up and checked our carry-on baggage for contraband. They confiscated all liquids that they found, pissing off (mostly women) left and right. After that we were all frisked in the bridge, just before boarding the plane. Our flight left about 40 minutes late, due to the new security measures and in spite of our early arrival to the airport.

Our 737 was equipped with Directv programing, the television screens are located in the back of the seat in front of you, the charge is $6 per person. The tadpoles and husband enjoyed this feature on the flight to Costa Rica, I slept. However, this time, due to new security measures, there was NO in-flight entertainment allowed on this or any International flights entering the US. Apparently, there is a map option that shows you (with accuracy) what you are flying over. To be honest, I think the husband was more upset than the kids were. No worries, after a couple of Bacardi and diets he went to sleepytown. Other changes in security, that we experienced, have since been relaxed: 1) not being able to get out of your seat the last hour of the flight 2) not being allowed to have *anything* on your lap during the last hour (including a book, also the tray tables had to be up...no word on what happened if you were traveling with a baby...I guess you would've had to hold junior over your head) 3) no blankets or pillows

I guess the TSA realized that punishing patrons with ridiculous new regulations isn't the best policy against real threats. I'm a US citizen with a passport, traveling with my family...until a domestic terrorist blows up an aircraft with his wife and kids on board, you can leave us alone.

In closing I'd just like to say: I love my country very much. The freedoms that we have here are something to be celebrated. The opportunities for success in our country are longed for in others. Our comforts are taken for granted...when the Customs Agent said "welcome home" I felt warm and fuzzy all over.

Six Years Ago Today...

Ferguson

Today is the female youngling's birthday. She is officially old enough to make me feel *really* old. If you know me IRL, then you know precisely why...if you don't...well then I guess it remains a mystery...for now.

You see, when I started this blog, I made the very conscience decision not to make it about my tadpoles...but it bears mentioning that it is her birthday...having a December birthday is the worst, but six years ago today, she had the best ever because that was the day that Ferguson joined our family. Also, her parents are pretty awesome (especially her mom).

Tis the Season to be Frazzled

It's almost Christmas, which means a fa la la la lot of stress. Pardon me, while I vent (I won't even mention the blizzard):

Saturday, December 12th: My Volvo sent me a message, it read: ABS Service Required. Translation: something brake related is frozen, tow to shop on Monday (no biggie, right? Keep reading)

Sunday, December 13th: Husband is driving to FARGO, ND, for a meeting tomorrow morning. You may have heard of Fargo, thanks to the Coen Brothers. I'm sure the people there are nice and all but...it's not exactly the time of year you'd wanna visit the great state of North Dakota. (anddd, my car is outta commish)

Monday, December 14th: Female youngling's birthday, husband will be out of town all day...ugh. Also, I have last minute shopping to do and errands to run, because we're leaving on Thursday for vacation, but my car will be hospitalized...double ugh.

Tuesday, December 15th: Husband has GMAT exam at 8 am, hopefully he has made it home from Fargo, had time to thaw and get a good night sleep before taking hell-test. *fingers crossed*

Wednesday, December 16th: LAST DAY before ten-day vacay (I know, poor me). This day will be hell for my family: I will be ten kinds of crazy, running around with at least five different lists (at last count), asking questions that they may or may not be able to answer or have already answered twelve times. And then...I have to drop my precious baby, Fergie off at his vet's office to be boarded...I will cry, I always do, because I love that animal more than I love most people which is why, I only trust his vet to keep him.

Thursday, December 17th: VACATION!!! We have to be at the airport at the crack of smack, which is always painful....but, by the time we board our second flight in Houston, I hope to be comfortably numb and cuddled up with male youngling for in-flight movie and in-flight nap. We should be in Costa Rica by 3 pm and after about an hour long taxi ride...at our resort in Jaco Beach in time to freshen up and officially begin: The Grunewalds Costa Rica Christmas Vacation, Vol II

Ahhh, thanks...you are such a good listener, I do feel better.

How to Avoid a Marriage Fail

A friend of mine proposed to his on-again girlfriend last night...she said: "yes." I said: "Congratulations, but don't get married."

The husband is pro-marriage, because I am awesome and being married to me is the greatest thing to *ever* happen to him. I am not pro-marriage...this feeling has nothing to do with my other half, he's great...most of the time. *wink*

If the love of your life suddenly morphs into some sort of she-wolf from hell over the wedding plans...you may want to rethink spending the rest of your life with her. However, if she remains relatively calm, suffering only minor, sporadic tantrums you're good to go...BUT...You should get married, if and only IF:

• you love each other very much
• you have discussed finances
• you each have a job that sustains your current lifestyle
  
• you know your lover's credit score
• you've both been tested for STDs
• you communicate very well with each other
  
• you have had *successful* sex together (say that five times fast)
  
• you have never cheated on him and he has never cheated on you (if you have to ask...yes, it counts)
  
• the things that you agree to disagree on, you will continue to AGREE to disagree on
• If one party is entering the marriage with more money, a prenup is signed
• you have discussed children, whether to have them and how to raise them
• he has NEVER hit you (not even once, when he was really drunk)

If these statements do not describe your relationship and you get married anyway: Your marriage will fail...one way or another. I promise. This list does not depict my friends' courtship...if they decide to follow through with their engagement, I'm buying them a collection of self-help books as a wedding present.

Things I Learned This Week

Here are a few things that tweaked my interest this week, some newsy...some not so much; some surprising, some not so much:

It is possible to host Thanksgiving without cooking ANYTHING. I did it, successfully, with the help of Mamma G, the honey baked ham store in Valley Junction and the liquor department at Costco.

Angelina Jolie "hates" Obama. Conservative men (and women): add brains to the long list of reasons that you lurve Angelina. Now you can say that the two of you actually have something in common.

Hot Swedish, model wives are just as crazy as regular ones. As much as I believe that public figures should be allowed a certain amount of privacy, it can be argued that once the cops are involved...you become fair game. But don't worry, Tiger...if this ends up being true, it won't be the weirdest super-sports-celebrity news of late...Agassi's admissions are going to be pretty tough to beat.

And...the one thing that should be getting a LOT more press time, that isn't...Human contribution to Climate Change is a bunch of bullshitery. Hey liberals: ya'll went crazy when no weapons of mass destruction turned up in Iraq, where's your outrage over this news...huh? Looks like you've been sitting next to that smelly guy on the bus for no good reason. An inconvenient truth, indeed.

Glenn Beck: Morale Buster

I wasn't going to blog this week, because I'm hosting Thanksgiving or something like that. Which means I'm very busy and stuff. In addition to readying my home for the comfort of family and friends, there's always time to tweet...today, while taking a break from playing Susie homemaker...I read this tweet from one Twitter friend to another, after clicking the link I watched this clip:



In the clip, Glenn Beck advises his nephew not to reenlist in the military. I don't have a problem with a caring uncle, offering sincere, candid advice to his nephew. What I do have a problem with, is Beck's use of his very popular television show to do so. I can only think of one reason why he would decide to speak to his nephew through the camera...Glenn Beck was advising ALL men and women serving their country: If you're thinking about reenlisting, DON'T...period. I mean, really...why else would Beck want to give intimate, life changing advice to his sister's son on television?

Glenn Beck is a fraud. The man preaches daily about the importance of being a patriot and then...this? I'm confused. What does something like this do for the morale of our troops? What good can come of it? I'm sure this is all very helpful to the boots on the ground and those that have lost a father, husband, brother, son, nephew, sister, wife, mother, daughter, niece or grandchild in Iraq or Afghanistan. On behalf of those: I would like to say: thank-you, Glenn Beck.

As I tweeted early today:

I liked him better when he was just kooky crazeeepants...The serious side of Beck is as appealing as the softer side of Sears

Sexy, Defined

So you've all heard about the Levi Johnston Ricky Hollywood Playgirl spread by now...first it was wenis out, then wenis in, we are back to wenis out status. I s'pose every man(hood) has his price, $100k didn't cover the cost of admission to the peep show.

Personally, even if he hadn't turned out to be a total shitstain, I find Mr. Hollywood about as sexy as a dead fly. In fact I can think of a lot of gents I'd rather chat...ahem...look at. Here are eight:

Tom Ford
Yeah, I know he's gayyy...I'm married...so what...everyone likes to cuddle

Russell Crowe
Fit or fat, he is a stud.

Jason Statham
YUM.

Johnny Depp
He's got that thang...y'know? I thought so.

Brady Anderson
My first love.

Daniel Craig
If you don't understand, then you haven't seen Casino Royale.

Christian Bale
The. Perfect. Specimen.

David Beckham
I struggle with Becks. He is sooooo hot, until he opens his mouth. I would have to put something in his mouth for our cuddle session *big grin*.

Thoughts on Sarah Palin

Palin on Oprah

The long speculated (and hyped) interview between the Queen of Daytime and Caribou Barbie finally aired today. I am not a fan of Oprah nor am I a supporter of Palin, but I tuned in, mostly out of curiosity.

The questions and tone were predictable. It is a well known fact that Oprah is an enormous (pardon the pun) Obama supporter. In fact, I wonder what would have happened if Oprah had been on Team Hillary, different outcome? Hmmmm...anyway...back to the big sit-down. It was lame, as most Oprah interviews are. Palin didn't screw anything up, she loves her family and her country. Oprah was less than warm, but, like Martha Stewart, I believe Oprah is more affectionate to her dogs than she is any other human being.

Me on Palin

Sarah Palin is very likable. She comes across as genuine and cheerful. She is good looking. Her closets are free of skeletons. She is unapologetic for her point of view, without being judgmental of others. A recipe for the perfect Republican nominee for POTUS? Not so much.

Female (and black) conservatives are treated like factory irregulars that should be discounted or tossed away. They are subject to more scrutiny and attacks. I'm not sure if Palin can handle this without coming across as whiny or small town. She has to accept that men and women are critiqued differently. Fair or not, it is a fact. She has to master the art of entering every situation as if it is hostile, without looking bitchy or annoyed. She has to artfully kill with kindness, all who cross her, without appearing clueless or naive. And, Todd is going to have to embrace the idea of being called, Mr. Mom...albeit, the badass, outdoorsy, hunting and fishing, snow machine racing kind.

A friend (and DC insider) and I chatted the other day about Palin. He likes her, but would like for her to improve. I asked him why she uses Facebook as her primary source of communication. His take: most likely, she likes Facebook and since she was able to make the jump from Mayor to Governor, doing things her way, she is reluctant to change.

Palin needs a bit of coaching, not to change 'who she is' but to change *how she does things*. Using Facebook as an outlet to reach supporters, is fine, but she has to use other avenues as well. There is a huge conservative movement on Twitter, Palin's tweets are less than few and far between. Twitter and Facebook can be used in conjunction with one another, she should know this and utilize. Also, Palin has an official PAC, its website was last updated, this summer to announce that she was not seeking a second term as Governor of Alaska. You can't raise money on Facebook. You can, however, raise money, send out emails and update supporters through a PAC, in fact that is exactly why they exist.

I wish Sarah Palin all the best, as a private citizen. There has been chatter of a talk show. I would lurve to see Hillary Clinton as her first guest. Maybe that could top Naomi Campbell's appearance on The Tyra Show...a girl can dream, can't she?

A Crazy Controversy

It's controversy time, ya'll...religion-style (sort of).

A couple of weeks ago, while watching Glenn Beck, I tweeted that if he was such a fan of the founding fathers, perhaps he should hold a seance to freshen up his message. A Twitter friend (one who actually follows me, and I follow back) informed me that Mormons are not permitted to hold seances. This was news to me, as I was unaware that Beck is a Mormon. I replied that Beck was more crazy than I thought. Learning (Wikipedia shoutout) that Beck is a convert to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints reaffirmed my feelings. That's when I became aware of some background chatter regarding my tweets. I do not like to be misrepresented, who does? My final tweet on the subject (or so, I thought):

Yes, I think converting to a somewhat controversial religion in order to stop drinking/love your family makes you crazy, unstable and weak.

Maybe, Glenn Beck who is a recovering alcoholic, needed a restrictive religion to keep him on the wagon or maybe not. I suspect he does need it. I haven't read any of Beck's books. I watch his show a couple of times a week, sometimes more. I only know what he tells me about himself in his live broadcast. Based solely on this information, I believe Beck to be within the realm of crazy, unstable and weak.

Controversial Religion

The skinny on my relationship with the Mormons: My best friend, my sophomore year of high school was Mormon. That spring, I spent nearly every Saturday night at her house and therefore attended church with her on Sundays. When I showed no interest in converting, her church suggested that I stop coming, our friendship did not survive. And I will say, it did have a cultish feel to it (as the elders and mission dudes did not care what my parents thought). And...not to mention, the whole Baptizing the dead thing...yeesh...spooky. So much for my naive notion that her and I shared not only the same God, but Savior as well. Silly me.

Are Mormons Christians? Yes. The crazy kind. I can say this because I am a Baptist. I was raised just outside of Washington, DC, where I attended church regularly. I had no idea that my religion was weird/crazy until I moved to the Midwest. The first couple of churches my live-in fiance *gasp* and I attempted to go to were all about fire and brimstone, no dancing, drinking, smoking, cursing and o'course premarital sex, EEK...all very Footloose. Instead of converting or denouncing my faith, I turned to our President at the time...I now consider myself a Bill Clinton Baptist...usually, this needs no explanation.

I am a fan of freedom; freedom of speech and freedom of religion. You are free to practice your crazypants religion and I am free to call it crazy...and you don't have to kill anyone in the name of religion to be called a crazie!

Updates!!!

Updates! Dontcha just love em? O'course you do...soooo, here you go:

1) It's been six months since my in-laws house fire. They are still in their temporary home, a new construction one-story house that wasn't sold, and therefore offered by the builders for rent. It's a lot smaller than what they are used to, but it is conveniently located and close to their house that is being rebuilt. My mother-in-law, Mamma G, is having fun with her friend (and professional decorator) picking out all of the furniture and fixings for her home, as she did twenty years ago.

Listening to her talk excitedly about the 'new house' is wonderful. Issues like the new twin Sub-Zs are bigger than the old ones and where to put the new hooded range are good problems to have. They are doing very well. We are all going to Costa Rica for Christmas and they should be moving in their freshly restored and updated, old house sometime after that.

2) We FINALLY bought a new mattress. After two years of looking...the purchase has been made. Inspired by Mamma G to stop procrastinating and make a decision, I did (sort of).

We bought it at a mattress outlet place called Midwest Mattress, which sounded kinda shady to me...but we saved almost $1000 and I honestly couldn't tell the difference between the one with a fancy name brand and the one we bought. It's a king with a pillow top that has *some* memory foam. I did NOT want a memory foam mattress, no matter what Al Pacino thinks. The husband wanted this mattress, I didn't love or hate it. After laying on 949 different mattresses, they all started to feel the same, I was hungry and defeated. We bought the one he wanted, it will be here on Saturday.

3) Over two months ago, the husband and I purchased a new oversized chair and ottoman for our bedroom. We tried to bring the chair upstairs, by ourselves. We were unsuccessful.

Yesterday...again, OVER two months later...the chair was relocated from its temporary home (laying on its side in the living room) to our bedroom. I was not home, while the move was taking place...Fergie and I ran some errands...so in addition to the cost of the chair and the cost of having some random dudes from Craigslist to move the chair upstairs, there was an additional cost: running errands = new shoes (almost always). A win-win situation...providing that the Craigslist mover dudes don't return to jack, rape or murder me.

Twitter's Response to Me

Some of you asked me about Twitter's response to my suspension, here it is:

ginger, Nov 02 10:43 am (PST):

Hello,

This is an email about the Twitter Support ticket you recently filed. Please be sure to read this, as you may need to take further action based on this ticket.

We mistakenly suspended a set of accounts in the evening of 10/31; accounts affected by this mistake were automatically un-suspended by 1:30PM PST on 11/1. Based on the time you filed your ticket, we think it's possible you were a part of this group.

Could you please log in to your account and see if you're currently un-suspended? If you are still suspended, you'll see a red notice announcing your suspension on your account. If we've already un-suspended your account, you don't need to do anything. We will close this ticket as solved.

If you're still suspended, please reply to this email letting us know. Responding to this email will reopen this ticket and put your ticket in queue for support, but you need to reply from the address this mail was sent to. If you use an alias (such as username+alias@gmail.com), ensure that your reply comes from the alias address or your ticket may not be seen by our support staff.

We're really sorry for the extra effort. We have a large amount of requests and really want everyone to receive help so they can continue to happily use Twitter! If this did not answer your inquiry, responding to this email will reopen this ticket.

Thanks,

Twitter Support

***

I am more than satisfied with their explanation. Twitter has a response team of, according to their site, seven people. Their prompt attention to my 'ticket' was impressive as my account was restored within about two hours of the error...which made me very, very happy!

I'm glad my suspension was an error and not the result of my account being hacked or 'blocked and flagged' by another user for abuse (aka spam...I am a lot of things, but a spammer, ain't one of'em). Anyway...everything is right in the Twitterverse and I can go back to saving the world...one tweet at a time.

BREAKING NEWS: Twitter Account Suspended | Updated

BREAKING NEWS: My Twitter account has been suspended. I honestly have no clue why. Sure...I'm not always PC, in fact, I suppose some would consider me to be downright offensive...and yes, I even use profanity. But none of those things are reasons for a suspended account...therefore, I am contesting the forced Twittercation.

If you follow me on Twitter, you know that I tweet a lot...this time-out is making me...let's just say...slightly unstable. I use the site, not just for socializing but also to stay informed on up to the minute, breaking news and commentary on sports, politics and other current events.

Right now, I'm hoping my Twitter account has been hacked...this happened to me once on eBay. The fake *me* listed penis pumps and Kama Sutra books for sale...mortifying...yes...but remedied, almost immediately. Twitter's remedy process is...slowwwwer.

I am uncertain why this happened to me...it has happened to others, including Karl Rove. Like Karl, I too will most likely experience Twitter withdrawals (in fact, they've already started). I miss you all and hope to be back soon.

xoxo
@duchess_rebecca

***
UPDATE I: While my Twitter account was suspended, my Broncos were handed their first loss/beatdown of the season...by the Baltimore Ravens.

***
UPDATE II: I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!!! Thanks, Twitter for reinstating me after only two hours. I didn't get an explanation as to why my account was suspended...but maybe that comes later.

Thoughts on Halloween

I have mixed feelings about Halloween. A fun night for children to dress up and collect candy from neighbors has turned into an occasion for grown women to dress like slutty, slut, sluts. In addition to cheesy porn-starlet-esque choices like sexy convict and pirate's wench, a gal looking for something a little more fetching to a Roman Polanski type is also available...I mean who, but a child rapist, wouldn't find a schoolgirl sexy or what about Little Red Riding Hood?

Be honest with yourself...why are you dressing like a prostitute? Does it empower you to wear a cheap costume made of synthetics assembled in a third-world or communist country...I'll bet it does, especially if paired with a nice pair of thigh-high pleather boots...YOU GO GIRL. The thing is, I doubt it.

You are sexy...just as you are. If you do decide to dress up...wear something age appropriate, that you'd be comfortable in...no matter who you might run in to. Still not convinced? Imagine a creepy pervert, who may or may not be a sex offender, ogling your goodies.

Happy Halloween!

Duchess Flu

I have been stricken with the latest viral infection, you've heard about it...I don't need to elaborate. Instead, I would like to offer some advice:

1. If you aren't feeling well...go to the doctor. Your healthcare provider will determine whether or not your infection is viral, if not you can be treated with antibiotics.
   
2. Get your scripts filled, immediately. Stock up on: soup, tea, tissues and OTC cold medicines (I like ones with a sleep aid) also alert close family and friends that you are under the weather.
   
3. This flu gives you the worst body aches you can imagine plus sore ribs from coughing...if you don't have a heating pad...buy one.

In closing, I would just like to say: I now understand how Heath Ledger accidentally overdosed and died. Be careful. When you are miserably sick, you will do anything to steal a few hours of sleep. Follow doses and check with your doctor before mixing drugs. For example: if you take Xanex or Ambien (or the likes) check, check double check with your GP or pharmacist whether or not you can mix those with flu medications, including ones purchased over-the-counter...don't be stupid, you could die.

*cough, cough* Be well *blowing nose*

A Sports Rant (and Rave) of Sorts

I live in a sports house. Meaning: we like sports. Having said that, there o'course are sports that are liked better than others and are therefore followed more enthusiastically than the rest. The husband has replaced basketball with baseball as his secondary sport of choice, because a) Michael Jordan retired b) Michael Jordan retired again c) I bleed for baseball. We both enjoy football as our primary sport of choice. I am a Denver Broncos fan. He is a crazeee pants Dallas Cowboys fan. He loves them, period. A Cowboys victory is his ecstasy; a Cowboys loss is his rock-bottom. He may not admit to these extremes...but, trust me...I'm right...his mom will back me up on this.

I heart baseball. I am from Northern Virginia, before the Expos moved to town under a new moniker (the Nationals), our region supported exclusively, the Baltimore Orioles. Like many others, I grew up cheering for the O's. As a fan of America's pastime and the Birds, I felt a responsibility to recruit my serious boyfriend at the time (now my husband) to the Cracker Jack loving, peanut eating cult. I looked at the schedule and decided the game between my Orioles and the Texas Rangers on August 21, 1993 would be the perfect day to indoctrinate him. You see, Nolan Ryan had announced his retirement at season's end and this was a waning opportunity to see both he and Cal Ripken, Jr go head to head, as Ryan was pitching. The Orioles won the game...in extra innings...we stayed until the very end and the husband was happy to join my cult.

Fast forward a hundred years later (give or take), I still consider myself a devotee of the Birds. Even if Peter Angelos is a giant turd from the planet, Shitstar...who has more money than half of the teams in MLB and a gorgeous ballpark at Camden Yards, yet he doesn't have the passion to invest in a winning team and won't sell the franchise. 1983 was the last time we won the Series. The last year of respectability was 1997, when we went wire-to-wire, only to lose a freakish series to the Indians in the ALCS:

Ahhhhhhh, let's recap....Picture it October 1997:

• Game 1: O's win at home
• Game 2: Grissom's 3-run homer off of Armando Benitez (memba him? Before he was our closer, he was Randy Myer's set up man...he wasn't great at either) Indians win
  
• Game 3: BOTTOM OF THE 12TH: 1-1 tie, Omar at the plate showing bunt, Grissom on third...ball was clearly fouled off, though - not called 'foul' by home plate umpire, ball gets away from Lenny Webster, Grissom scores, Davey Johnson argues to no avail, Indians win and celebrate obnoxiously
• Game 4: at the Jake a rather bizarre loss for the O's in a close game, that included a wild pitch and a strange play at the plate
• Game 5: O's win in Cleveland! Yay...back in it
• Game 6: back at the Yard in Baltimore, SCORELESS until the top of the 11th when Tony Fernandez homered for the Indians, bottom of the 11th, Brady Anderson (aka the love of my life) hit a two-out single...a pulse...UNTIL...Roberto Alomar was called out on strikes on a suspect (inside) pitch, probably because Alomar spat on an umpire the year before...revenge is a bitch and so is Robbie Alomar, who may or may not have AIDS... Indians advance to the World Series
• After the 97' season GM (and all around baseball genius) Pat Gillick's contract was not renewed and Manager (and all around baseball genius) Davey Johnson resigned because Angelos is quite possibly the worst creature in the Milky Way
• We haven't had a winning season since 1997...that's 12 years for those of you counting.

*head spinning*

Anyway, back to reality...where the Orioles are terrible....and it's fall which means Yankees in post season play (ugh) and FOOTBALL!!! My Broncos are FIVE and 0. Josh McDaniels is exactly what Denver needed...as I suspected and tweeted about after Shanahan was (shockingly...to all, but me) fiiired. Shugabetes was traded along with his insulin and tampons to the Bears for Kyle Orton...who I'll admit...I was skeptical about...but even I can't be right all the time and I'm now riding high on the Neck Beard bandwagon. Peter Angelos could learn a few things from Pat Bowlen...like how to act like a human being and how to run a successful sports franchise. Yeah, I hear you...there are like 11 more games to go this season...but the last time my Broncos went FIVE and 0 to start the season, was 1998 and they won the Super Bowl, the very same year that my Orioles began their demise.

Meet Senator Toastie

I got a new super awesome toaster, the Breville 4-Slice Smart Toaster. Okayyy, We got a new toaster. And...by we...o'course I mean...the husband ordered it and I said 'what did you do that for, our other toaster is fine'. Then I used the new toaster and wished it had been my idea...because, the new toaster is amazing...so amazing that I named it...meet Senator Toastie:


The Kennedy of toasters, all that you'd expect plus so much more: large and heavy, helps you create a sandwich, whatever your flavor (Chris Dodd and waitress not included), makes the most perfect toast (Chivas Regal sold separately) and just like the late Senator, if you find yourself drowning he won't save you...but he could possibly electrocute you (okay, Uncle Teddy never electrocuted anyone...well, not that we know of).

You can buy your very own Senator Toastie here

Another Reason to Hate on Iowa (the state not the football team...that's a whole nother thing)

The seasonal hand-off from summer to fall is my favorite time of year. There is something poetic about the changes in nature that occur introducing September to October. However, in Iowa...it is a brief introduction. By Halloween the trees will be bare, the night time temp will have likely hit freezing and we will all be wondering how long before a measurable snowfall.

Iowa's fall lasts about a month (give or take)...then it basically becomes winter with a few fall like days sporadically intermixed. Unless of course my romantic idea of fall has been replaced with cold, dreary days, followed by even worse nights...say it ain't so!

Pardon me while I vent:

The weatherman has tricked us, all but promising highs in the 50s and even 60s. As if we wouldn't know the difference between a pleasant fall fiftysomething degree day and the fortysomething degree prequel of Old Man Winter's breath blowing upon us. Did I mention I hate winter?

Today the sound of the alarm was paired with a stronger than usual urge to stay in bed, the result of a cold, rainy, infant fall morning. Following a couple of dates with the snooze button, I sat up and searched for my socks that I had removed sometime during the night. I braved the cool air of our older home as I made my way down to the kitchen. After burning my tongue on a scolding hot beverage, I headed back upstairs to start the shower and check in on the morning news. While catching up on the day's headlines, I turned on the shower allowing it to run until the bathroom showed appropriate signs of steam. After showering and getting ready, the highlight of which was the warmth of the hairdryer, I was ready to go and face the elements.

Before going outside, I perused the closet for a coat that offered the appropriate amount of coverage and protection. I choose fashion over function, paired with gloves. I could only find one. I quickly reconsidered, and stepped outside, bare handed. The cool wet air greeted my face as I walked toward the driveway. As I opened my car door, I could feel the cold mist that had settled on my tirelessly, blown-out hair. I got in the car, started the engine, rubbed my hands together as I blew hot air on them, cranked the heat and folded down the mirrored visor to get a look at the damage done. Post assessment, I pulled a hair fastener out of my purse, giving up on the hairdo that I wanted, settling for a ponytail. I flipped the visor back up, placed my foot on the brake pedal and shifted into reverse. Just as I was about to back out of the driveway, I glanced down at the ever-present temperature display on the dashboard, it read 44, reminding me that my weatherman is about as useless as that glove that I couldn't find.

Libya's Diddy Rapes Billy Joel

Qaddafi aka Gaddafi aka Kaddafy aka al-QADHAFI

(aka Libya's Diddy)
To the tune of Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire"

United Nations, Swine Flu, Ronald Reagan, Evil Jews
Adolf Hitler, MLK, Son of Africa

Saddam Hussein, India, Monkey Wrench, Foot rub
I heart Mecca, Legal pad, Homophobia

Terrorism, Afghans, I love the Taliban
Civil wars are the best, mind your own business!

Chester Cheetah, Big Bird, Conspiracy is the word
Mandingo, Apple Jacks, MTV, Mars Attacks

I love Obama
He blows my mind
It happens all the time.
I love Obama
He is not my son
But, that would be fun.

Jimmy Carter, Pakistan, Pirates aren't Somalian
New York, Big Tent, Long Live Barack!

Rolling Thunder, Sandstorm, This outfit is an art form
Co-pilot, Central Park, Night light in the dark

Led Zeppelin, Kashmir, A&W Root Beer
Clean water, Darfur, I am rich, they are poor.

Jelly Beans, Baseball, Tiffany, Daryl Hall
Capri Sun, Pop Tarts, Where the hell is Walmart?

I love Obama
He blows my mind
It happens all the time.
I love Obama
He is not my son
But, that would be fun.

Pet Rock, Kanye West, I don't have hair on my chest
Chinese food, lunch time, fortune cookie on my mind

Colonel Sanders, KFC, Ich bin ein Iraqi
HIV, Huck Finn, I have hair on my chin

Facebook, MySpace, Kelly Clarkson, Neck Brace
Ramadan, Sharia Law, Medicine: free for all

Kennedy Assassination, I demand an investigation
Jack Ruby devil Jew, What else can I tell you?

I love Obama
He blows my mind
It happens all the time.
I love Obama
He is not my son
But, that would be fun.

Buster Brown, Hogwash, Aqua Fresh, Yellow Squash
Will Ferrell, Matt Damon, Fandango

Bird Flu, Death Star, He-Man, Battle Scar
Dick Cheney, Darth Vader, I need a new Translator

UN Equality, Fifteen minutes not enough for me,
Where was I, What's today? I have so much more I want to say!!!

I love Obama
He blows my mind
It happens all the time.
I love Obama
He is not my son
But, that would be fun.

Tina Fey, Michael Bay, Matthew McConaughey
Octomom, Car bomb, Lip balm, Vietnam
Jacko, Plaxico, Costco, Anna Nicole
Eastern Europe unprotected, Ahmadinejad reelected

Millionaire, Game show, Lottery ticket, Big toe
Megan Fox, Johnny Depp, Tim Burton, Two Step
Racism at your door, Jet lag makes you snore
Peanut Butter and Foreign wars, I can't take it anymore!!!

I love Obama
He blows my mind
It happens all the time.
I love Obama
He is not my son
But, that would be fun.

Dear Facebookers: I Don't Like This

I wouldn't go as far as to say I hate Facebook...I mean, I appreciate it for what it offers: the opportunity to reconnect with and update friends and out of state relatives on what's going on in your life. As for the quizzes, (lil) Green Patch application, Farmville, Yoville and Mafia Wars...no thanks.

I usually only update my Facebook status to offer my friends my latest blog post, this is probably due to my relationship with Twitter. I tweet a lot. Facebook is a bit passive for my taste. I like the interaction that Twitter offers. Yes, Facebook has the chat option...and I do sign in to partake once in a while. But honestly...how often can you catch up with someone? And while there are some that I enjoy chatting with, there are others that I could have died without ever 'reconnecting' with.

My friend, Sam, linked this CNN article entitled: The 12 most annoying types of Facebookers, to my Facebook wall, after I posted this crotchety comment: "I hate it when I say something to someone and their response is: that should be your Facebook status. Also, I don't care how many miles you can run." Apparently, I am a self-promoting curmudgeon. Oh, well in accordance with my CNN Facebook title, allow me to add these five status updaters to the list (in no particular order):

1) Runners, Gymrats, etc. You know them, you're friends with them. Dear K'ers and Meatheads: If you can run ten miles, good for you...no one cares. If you really can bench *that much*...Giambi called, he needs his head back...also, you're a douche.

2) Love. Love. Love. You know who you are. 'Jenny has the greatest boyfriend in the whole world.' or 'Matt says thanks to Alice for making him the luckiest man on the planet.' or 'Judy is enjoying her fifth day as Mrs. Johnson. I love you, Paul.' Barf. Barf. Barf.

3) The Bar Photogs The chicks that are within an eye shot of you taking pics of each other...not because one of them is celebrating...just because they're out, they're drunk and they wanna document it for Facebook. You're sitting there at your local watering hole, enjoying a cocktail, chatting up a friend and there they are with their camera flashing every however-long-it-takes for one of them to veto the last pic because she looks drunk and or fat. Newsflash: you are drunk and or fat. Now put the camera away before I smash it.

4) Hybrid Tweeps Those that use Twitter and Facebook simultaneously. Your @ replies don't make any sense to your non-Twitter, Facebook friends...they don't know what a RT is and they probably don't care. Save your tweets for your tweeps...if you must include Facebookers...use the #fb hashtag, with care. Unless of course, you don't care...then carry on, crossbreed. (I still love you Sooper Trev).

5) Status Checkers You know who I'm referring to (maybe he's your husband): The ones that artfully design a thoughtful, witty, funny...basically *the* perfect Facebook status and then they proceed to check their wall every few minutes, or so, to see if anyone has commented or 'liked' their update. They may even go as far as to ask you: 'did you see my Facebook status?' Hugs, loser.

Happy updating! Feel free to use the comments section to supplement my list with your own Facebook grumbles. If you want to leave a nasty, troll-y comment, you can do that too.

Know Your Limits & Don't Try this at Home

Nothing says marital bliss like buying a new piece of furniture. Two weeks ago, the husband and I chose a new chair and ottoman for our bedroom. Today we brought it home...and let me just say: nothing says 'I hate you' like trying to carry new chair upstairs by ourselves. Apparently my husband is an expert furniture mover, which really doesn't surprise me since he is an expert on everything else.

For now the chair is sitting downstairs in the living room (on its side)...I am hopeful that it will be up in our bedroom soon, placed there carefully by more qualified individuals (that aren't married to one another).

Note to husband: I never claimed to be a furniture mover with super human strength. I deeply regret, whatever I did to give you that impression.

Here's the ottoman which we were able to manage (barely) without incident:

Boycott School??? Really?

As many of you have heard by now, President Obama is planning to give a back to school address to students nationwide on September 8, 2009. Some on the right think this is let's just say...not a good thing. I am indifferent to the idea. I respect the man, I don't agree with him on much of anything, but I have a kooky feeling that Obama is going to take this opportunity to discuss the importance of education goals, civic duty and *gasp* personal responsibility...which call me crazy...are not horrible things to talk about to kids. Of course, it can be argued that it is a parent's job...blah, blah, blah. Newsflash: some kids have crap parents.

The speech was originally outlined in a way that suggested the president was asking for children to offer their advice to him, that language has been removed....the updated outline can be seen here.

Some conservative parents are keeping their cherubs home from school on September 8th. I'm not sure why. Kids are already liberalized in the public school system. They seem to learn more about energy saving tips than they do on the subject of grammar and well, there's all that talk about penises and vaginas in kindergartens across America that gets cons all kinds of worked up.

Teaching your child to avoid listening to those you disagree with is kind of silly and can backfire. Fear not, I once heard Jesse Jackson speak at my school...my heart didn't all of the sudden start bleeding...quite the opposite, in fact...I went home and thanked my dad.

The Chronicles of Kennedy: The Lion, the Ditch and the Chivas Regal

In case you missed it, The Liberal Lion of the Senate, Senator Edward 'Ted' Kennedy died of cancer, he was 77 years of age. Sen. Kennedy played hardball, but I suppose that's normal when you're the youngest to a boot-legging Irishman, add a couple of bright, competitive older brothers and you get a perfect storm of sorts for someone like Teddy.

Kennedy was spirited and driven. While, I may question his motives and sincerity to the causes he seemed to hold so dear (except abortion, I believe he was really, really in favor of that one) I cannot question his determined and willful demeanor.

Kennedy will be remembered by all. Some will remember the 300 Bills he lent his name to that were enacted into law, others have personal stories of his kindness, some may think of his infectious laugh. But, for others, like me...Kennedy was a spoiled, all-in politician. He loved women, scotch, and Chris Dodd. Oh and also, he was responsible for Mary Jo Kopechne's death at Lake Chappaquiddick.

Apparently it is frowned upon to speak (or tweet) unfavorably about the recently deceased, factual or otherwise (unless you are the Daily Kos). Air America decided to post a few distasteful tweets from conservatives on Twitter regarding the passing of Uncle Teddy, they included one from little ole me. My father would be so proud.

Top Ten Products That'll Make You Say...Bienvenue, Gorgeous!

Beauty products can either be the egg in one's beer (which believe it or not, is a good thing) or egg on your face. Celebrity endorsements, online reviews posted by strangers, millions of dollars in advertising paired with our own flaws, hormones and self-esteem struggles lead to an endless cycle of the love-hate relationship between women and the cosmetics counter.

Allure magazine and Sephora have annual surveys for patrons to vote for the best beauty items. I find these two surveys to be the most helpful and useful of their kind. Sephora.com has also added a review option for users to post their recommendation or lack there of for each product sold.

I prefer to shop online for most of my makeup and skin care merchandise. This way I avoid any pushy, overly made up, lab coat clad, cosmetic counter lady, the horrible department store lighting and the dreaded, unavoidable, magnification mirrors that will make you buy anything with the words pore minimizer printed on it, no matter what the cost or benefit. Also online shopping allows no-hassle returns (Sephora.com offers free shipping on returns).

Another benefit to shopping online...airline miles. Yes, that's correct. American Airlines offers mileage for participating retailers when you shop online. If you have an American Airlines AAdvantage number...you are set to go...if not, go to aa.com and sign up. Once assigned a number you are ready to earn miles while you shop. Just visit https://www.aadvantageeshopping.com/ click the 'See All Merchants' tab on the left...type in your AAdvantage number, first and last name and you will earn at least one mile per dollar that you spend. Sephora.com, Clinique.com, beauty.com, drugstore.com, Dillards.com, Nordstrom.com and Saks.com are all eligible; each offering between two and four miles per dollar spent. Think about the money you spend on beauty maintenance items alone- you'll be on a trip somewhere fabulous in no time, just for buying these products online via the AAdvantage eshopping website.

Below is a list of my top ten fave products, in no particular order. I recommend that you use these items with your preferred foundation or foundation primer formulated with a minimum of SPF 15, as the products listed below do not offer this protection.

Elizabeth Arden Prevage Anti-Aging Treatment: $155 - This miracle serum brightens and tightens your face. It's expensive, but it works. Serves as a mini-facial for the morning after a long night *wink, wink*.

Almay oil-free eye makeup remover pads $4.99 - Gentle and effective, even on waterproof mascara, it's cheap, but it is the best.

Clinique All About Eyes Rich eye cream $28.50 - I've tried at least ten different kinds of eye cream, this one is the best. Moisturizing, line diminishing and gentle enough for your lids.

Clarins High Definition Body Lift $65 - Not only does this formula smooth out your trouble spots, it makes your skin, sinfully soft.

Clarins Bust Beauty Firming Lotion $54 - Specially formulated for your decollete, this gentle lotion is non-oily and quick to dry, leaving behind a smooth and toned bust.

Clinique Dramatically Different Moisturizing Lotion $24-$35 (depending on size) - This everyday moisturizer is lightweight and scent free.

Boscia Purifying Cleansing Gel $21 - Leaves your face feeling clean and fresh without drying it out. Perfect for all skin types.

Clinique Acne Solutions Emergency Gel-Lotion $13.50 - Grown women aren't supposed to have breakouts. But, if you do, just put a bit of this magic cream on your unwanted visitor and within 24 hours you will see a dramatic improvement. Don't squeeze or pick...trust me, this stuff works!

Tweezerman Tweezers $20 - These stainless steel slanted tweezers are great when you're in-between an eyebrow wax. They make the plucking process as painless as possible.

Shu Uemura Eyelash Curler $19 - Use before you apply your fave mascara for a sexy, bright eyed look. You've tried other eyelash curlers, now try the best.

Feel free to leave comments about your fave beauty products. Caring is sharing!

Don't Feed the Animals...(Me)

Okayyy, I've eaten my way out of my size 27 jeans (technically, some of them still fit, but I can hear their screams when I put them on). I'm not a size queen...y'know the type of girl that wears a smaller size, because she can physically get in them. Not I...I prefer to look as if the pants are not an optical illusion and well there's that whole 'toe' thing.

Like many women I have tried every diet out there and even made up one involving a shit load of sugar-free Jello and a slight addiction to Xanex (just kidding, Mom). This time I'm on my version of the low-carb diet: meat with veggies, Cool Whip Free and vodka club sodas with an occasional handful of nuts or a spoonful of extra chunk peanut butter.

It's been nine days, I haven't tried my jeans on yet...but...I did weigh myself. Early conclusion: Scales are evil and they lie. I've lost four lousy pounds, but I think my butt is smaller (or perhaps that's just the result of distorted vision from being hungeeee).

After avoiding my arch-nemesis aka the grocery store for nine days, I braved the journey today, because let's be honest the supermarket is no place for a person in my condition. I spent about an hour at the store (mostly reading nutritional labels). I made it outta there without sitting in the bakery department abusing an overly frosted cake. Success.

Transparency

Who knew?

Choose Your Own Adventure: Grown Up Edition

Women are magnificent creatures. They give you life, bathe you, teach you, discipline you, wash your underwear, kiss your boo-boos, answer most of your questions and make sure your dad gets the abridged version when you get caught being naughty. However, your existence alone does not define your mother as a person.

It doesn’t matter where you live or what type of home you were raised in. The beauty of being an adult woman in the Western World is choosing your own path to the crypt. A couple of days ago, I read this article (h/t Allah Pundit), about a young lady living in New York that doesn’t want children. Do women, like this author, really lack the mom-gene or are they just successful, stylish women threatened by the idea of kids in their seemingly hip and uncomplicated lives?

When I was a little girl, there was a lady at my mom’s office named Penny. She was the only daughter of the company’s CEO. She was a beautiful, elegant, ageless thirtysomething with impeccable taste. Penny had been married and divorced, she was somewhat career oriented, but I could tell she was looking for another husband. Penny did not have any, nor did she want any children of her own, which was very good news for me. I was the beneficiary of all of her unwanted jewelry, handbags, scarves, perfume and makeup. Penny introduced me to Saks and Neimans, taught me about the importance of ordering a salad with the dressing on the side and took me to my first play at Ford’s Theater. I never wondered why she didn’t have kids. The last time I saw Penny was in 1999, at my father’s funeral. It had been over a decade since our previous visit, but I recognized her right away. She hugged me tightly as she offered her condolences; I wondered then if she regretted her decision to never be called ‘Mom’. I hope not.

Like Penny, that young New Yorker may never have children, but she’ll likely have other things that complicate her life, I hope those things are as fulfilling as the joys of a child. Resentment is a bitch and contrary to what some may think motherhood is not where fabulous women go to die.

If you know my story, maybe you’re wondering if I would go back and let’s just say…do things differently. The short answer is no. I am not someone who looks back and wonders what if. While, of course I have things that I wish I hadn’t done and people that I wish I hadn’t hurt, there isn’t a moment that I would ‘do-over’. Every gut busting laugh, every painful memory, every what the hell was I thinking (never mind I wasn’t) moment…all mine, located on a special place along my timeline…all parts of the person I am today…and I like her, a lot.

Warning: Maintenance Ahead

As women we are grouped into one of two categories, ‘low-maintenance’ or ‘high-maintenance’. Neither seems particularly flattering. Are we people or cars? What do those terms actually mean? And, why would a lowly maintained woman be a good thing?

I’m not what you would call a scheduler, planner or organizer...which I suspect is a high-maintenance trait…unless we’re talking vacation…then I’ll throw one of those hats on long enough to book a fabulous hotel and a flight that lets me sleep in as late as possible (high-maintenance?). But in terms of the everyday blah, blah, blah…I’m pretty easy going (and therefore low-maintenance, right?).

O’course, ‘easy going’ in wifespeak means…if I don’t wanna do whatever it is that you’re doing, I probably won’t…but I also won’t complain about you doing it without me. I just like to be asked, if you don’t ask me along, I’m going to be upset…unless you’re going out for sushi…then don’t ask me…I don’t care (maintenance level uncertain).

After some light internet research I learned that high-maintenance refers to a shallow, emotionally needy, label whoring, drama queen...I know some of those. The low-maintenance woman is a bit harder to define…but by all accounts, she’s basically a dude with a vagina…I know one girl that I would truly describe as such…picture a white Whoopi Goldberg sans dreadlocks and an opinion.

Personally, while I find both labels equally irrelevant and silly…I’ve been called much worse so being categorized as either low or high maintenance neither describes nor offends me…in fact come to think of it…very little offends me…ma’am *cringe* I don’t like being called ma’am…oh and Becky…there is little that I hate more than being referred to as Becky.

An Ode to a Harvard Professor, a Cambridge Cop, President Obama and Beer

An Ode to a Harvard Professor, a Cambridge Cop, President Obama and Beer

(to the tune of Gilligan's Island)

Just sit right there and read this tale,
A tale of an unfortunate blip,
That started on a Massachusetts porch,
Of a professor with a brand new hip.

Professor Gates had forgotten his keys,
He's black and was breaking in his own house.
Some neighbors called 911 you see,
They mistook Gates for a louse.

The cops arrived at the home of Gates,
They wanted to see his ID.
Gates yelled a yo mama insult,
And then he got the third degree.

The white Sergeant put Gates under arrest.
The charges were eventually dropped.
Obama weighed in on this incident,
His words could not be stopped.

So this is the tale of an unfortunate blip,
That occurred in Cambridge, Mass.
Tomorrow the men are meeting with Obama,
For a beer in a glass.

No Bass, no Beck's, no Amstel Light,
Not a single Heineken,
The White House policy on brewskies:
American made, amen.

So wait and see how the drama unfolds,
We're sure to see some pics,
Of two dudes with the President,
Sharing beers and carrot sticks.

Pro-Choice?

Choices...we all make em...some good, some not so much...but they are ours as are the effects that ensue. Democrats claim to be the party of choice because of their Pro-Choice stance on abortion...but think about it...is the Democratic Party the party of choice? I think not. From school vouchers to Healthcare, the left side of the aisle has shown that the only choice they want you to make is how far you wanna bend over...pass the Astroglide.

Before I continue...this is what I think 'bout abortion. Firstly it is a states' rights issue...for example: you can get an abortion in Kansas later in the pregnancy than you can elsewhere in the US...if Roe v. Wade was overturned tomorrow...the debate and decision would go back to the states. Secondly...having an abortion is a very personal decision that should be made only after careful consideration (you can't really go back on it...and it could haunt you forever). Lastly...I'd like to see some similar legislation for dads. If a man doesn't want a child...he should be able to relinquish his parental rights before the child is born. Girls, we fought for equal rights...not different/better/special rights...and believe it or not...some women like to trap men in relationships with babies.

Clearly, the Republican Party is *the* party of choice:

What kind of gun do I want to buy?
Where do I want to hide my secret cash?
What kind of steak am I going to eat?
What minority group do I want to offend?
Which charity do I want to pretend like I care about?
Which version of the Bible do I want to thump today?
Which private school do I want to send my cherub to?
Which gas-guzzling SUV do I want to kill the environment with today?

I chuckle...and no we don't eat kittens (although, I've heard they taste like chicken). But honestly, other than abortion...what choices do liberals offer? Eat this, not that. I'm sorry your school sucks...stay there anyway. Oh...you chose a Directv subscription over health insurance, no problem...here's some...but wait, you can only go to these four doctors....what's that...you need a heart transplant...well you can't have mine...it's bleeding. You don't like Obamacare, no worries...you can stay with your company's policy, that is...until they stop offering it because it's too 'spensive because Obama raised every tax he could find and then he made some new ones...choice schmoice...do what I say and like it...bwa ha ha ha ha ha.

Life is about consequences. If I speed...I may get a ticket, sure...I'll cuss, but I'll pay the fine and slow down. If you eat your weight in cheeseburgers, while spending all your 'extra money' on flex-pay rings from QVC instead of on health insurance...that's up to you...I'm okayyy with it...I'm not gonna make you swap out your snazzy ring collection for health insurance...oopsie now, you've got shugabetes...sorry, but remember you made those choices...own them.

Bottom Line: Gandhi said: 'Be the change that you want to see in the world.' I say: 'Take responsibility for your choices. Don't be a victim...and if you are...press charges.' Zen worthy indeed.

Summer is...bacon wrapped, fried gold

Long Time, No Blog

Sorry...I've thought of you often...wanting to share my birthday, 4th of July (and beyond) adventures with you. It's just that well...I am actually pretty lazy and often uninspired and therefore unmotivated...well not necessarily in the conventional sense. I mean...o'course me and my life are spectacular and you certainly should be interested in what I'm doing, what I think about...everything and well...to be perfectly honest...me in general. But I do occasionally feel pressure to make sure that my thoughts are complete with (non-fuzzy) details and if applicable...photos...and so, without further ado...

Birthday Eve

My favorite day of the year is...the day before my birthday. Probably because I'm a spoiled rotten child on the inside and I love to shout...'tomorrow's my birthday!!!' It's not about the presents...I mean...don't be silly...I love a good birthday present...but...it does not have to be your birthday to get a present.

This year my birthday fell on a Thursday...which meant either an Okoboji birthday or a hungover car ride to Okoboji in Friday before the 4th of July traffic. I opted for a Boji birthday...even though that also meant that I didn't get to celebrate with all of the usual suspects. *sad face* You know who you are, you were missed.

the husband bought me this 'new' table for my birthday...the wood is over 100 years old...it is exactly what I wanted

a crop duster in the sky (trust me)

a field of soybeans

sleeping Fergie (and the directions to the lake)

more soybeans

a hog farm

more farm scenery

Never a Dull Moment

The husband had some work to finish before we left...we began our 200 mile journey to Lake Okoboji at around 5 pm on Wednesday the 1st. The route we take is not conducive to bathroom stops...unless you can pee in a ditch or a cornfield. We were about 45 minutes away from the lake when my hubby *needed* 'to stop'. We took a ten minute (one way) detour to Albert City, IA for a toilet. We stopped at the Cenex gas station/convenience store in Albert City where they have one unisex bathroom. We got out of the car...Fergie (my beloved Chihuahua) stayed in the car...the following convo took place as we were walking into the store:

me: 'did you lock the car'
the husband: 'no, I left the keys inside...it's Albert City, IA, Fergie will be fine'
me: 'if anyone steals my dog, I am divorcing you'
the husband: 'I can live with that'

We made our way into the store...he went to the bathroom...I perused the snacks. I realized the husband was gonna be a while as I decided on a push-pop. I hadn't brought my purse in to the store so I went out to the car to get some money for my chosen frozen treat. There was Fergie standing up at the window, looking adorable, scratching at the window...that's when I saw that the doors were locked...Fergie hit the power lock button with his tiny paw...ARGHHHHHHH!!! Keys: locked in the car, purse: locked in the car, husband's phone: locked in the car, my phone: locked in the car, my precious baby Chihuahua: locked in the car. I was immediately hysterical as I tried to get Fergie to unlock the doors. A few moments later, the husband comes outside to a very frazzled (bordering on straight-jacket worthy) Rebecca. He being the calmer one...went inside to call for help. The dispatch said the local sheriff 'for an emergency' would be there in about 20 minutes. My husband could tell by the dispatcher's tone that a Chihuahua locked inside of a car was not an emergency, according to the Storm Lake Sheriff (even though it was about 80 degrees out). Meanwhile, I was still trying to instruct Fergie on how to unlock the doors...his little nose making fog on the window and then scratching it away with his little nails...I was now officially an emotional wreck.

The husband was trying to get the Cenex clerk to give him a coat hanger off of some dry-cleaning that hadn't been picked up yet. Apparently in Albert City, you drop your dry-cleaning off at the gas station. Anyway...the lady was reluctant. Which turned out to be a good thing...because she gave him a fly swatter instead...you know the old kind with the metal looped end. The husband had the locks popped 30 seconds later...Fergie and I were reunited and I didn't have to get divorced. Side note: Volvos are very easy to break into.

Fergie after the incident (looking a bit stressed)

Myyyyy Birthday

I started the day with a Bloody Mary with a side of bacon. The weather was perfect out on the lake. We had a low maintenance, no fuss, drama free celebration.We boated all day and bar hopped all night...Thank YOU to everyone for all of the birthday well wishes. You guys made my day even bettah *smoooooch*

toasted after boating all day with Grey Goose

a wild turkey taking a stroll at the lake

4th of July Fireworks, Okoboji style @ Maxwells

July 7th full moon...Oooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Minneapolis

My consort travels, for work, up to Minneapolis at least twice a month. Personally, I'm a big fan of having the whole bed to myself for a few nights a month...albeit, I do miss using his razor when he's gone (shhhh, don't tell him). Once in a while I will make the trip up there with him, usually for a specific occasion or event...but this time I went along...just because.

The Lions Club International was in town for their annual convention and the Yankees were playing the Twins...the only hotel available was the 601 Graves...which doesn't suck. I booked the room online and we were on our way. The Graves is located directly across the street from the Target Center. Upon arrival, it was evident that not only was there a concert that night, but it was one that I didn't want to be within a two block radius of...let alone right across the street from it. It turned out to be...the Jonas Brothers. *barf*

As we were checking in, I noticed that the front desk associate was having trouble finding our reservation. He was quietly speaking to another person behind the desk, who seemed to have more authority than he did. It turns out...the Graves was overbooked. I became nervous, imagining myself staying at a Super 8 in mega-mall hell, Bloomington. The clerk explained that they were totally booked, accept for the penthouse level. I thought...Super 8, here I come...and then, I heard angels as she smiled and said it was a hotel error, so we would not be charged for the upgrade. I peed my pants (just a little) and almost forgot the Jonas Brothers were across the street.

It was about 10 pm...I was hungry...after a quick freshen up we headed to the 112 Eatery which serves food until midnight. We walked the three and a half blocks through the Jonas faithful (mostly tweens and their psychotic parents) as they lined First Avenue hoping to get a glimpse of the virginal trio. The 112 Eatery is one of those trendy places with a slightly obscure menu...I had a bacon and egg sandwich with something called harissa (a spicy condiment) on it...it was de.li.cious...the fries were pretty terrific too.

The next day I hung out in the room, took a bath in the jacuzzi tub (while watching TV on the bathroom wall flat screen), drank a $10 beer from the mini-bar. The husband was due back around 6ish. I headed to the hotel bar around 5:30 where I drank Grey Goose and tweeted while I waited for him. After a couple of bar drinks we headed for Zelo for dinner...we shared a pizza....it was very good. The bartender informed us that a few of the Yankees were supposed to come in...I was ready to express my hatred in a nice enough way to still get a picture...alas, they never showed up. After dinner we headed to Barrio Tequila Bar for a nightcap...which for me was the old standby Goose and soda...I dunno what the husband had...but I'm sure there was tequila in it.

a peek at the new Twins Stadium and the top of the Target Center (where apparently they grow sod???)

the most comfortable bed in the history of hotels

The Basilica was having a block party...Rock out with your...Bible out

a watchtower on the way to uptown for lunch

my lunch at Figlio's...a delightful BLT

back on the road heading to Okoboji on a beautiful day

Minnesota corn

me in the car, on the wayyy to the lake

The People of Iowa Welcome You...Fields of Opportunities

a windfarm

another windfarm

this is the only 'lake pic' I took (just before we left)
so...imagine these:
1. me moaning while eating warm, cheesy crab dip at Yesterday's
2. a fat, bald guy singing Sweet Caroline at Cocktail's
3. an old, drunk dude half asleep, nodding off to the beat of some crappy Billy Joel song
4. me rolling my eyes as I wonder why karaoke exists
5. me wishing I had a gong
6. a competitive game of midnight Pictionary after drinking all day

the corn is getting tall

a big ole farm thingie

a rainbow halfway home