Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts

Monday, May 3, 2010

Dear Husband:


Dear Husband:

Ahem, tomorrow is our 15th Wedding Anniversary. Yes, it is. We got married in 1995...do the math.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah...the gift. The traditional 15th wedding anniversary gift is crystal. Since I'm not your grandma, let's go with the modern 15th anniversary gift: glass. A (bottomless) glass of vodka.

Happy anniversary!

Love,

Me

P.S. Did you know that we got married on Star Wars Day? May the 4th Be With You!

Saturday, December 5, 2009

How to Avoid a Marriage Fail

A friend of mine proposed to his on-again girlfriend last night...she said: "yes." I said: "Congratulations, but don't get married."

The husband is pro-marriage, because I am awesome and being married to me is the greatest thing to *ever* happen to him. I am not pro-marriage...this feeling has nothing to do with my other half, he's great...most of the time. *wink*

If the love of your life suddenly morphs into some sort of she-wolf from hell over the wedding plans...you may want to rethink spending the rest of your life with her. However, if she remains relatively calm, suffering only minor, sporadic tantrums you're good to go...BUT...You should get married, if and only IF:
  • you love each other very much
  • you have discussed finances
  • you each have a job that sustains your current lifestyle
  • you know your lover's credit score
  • you've both been tested for STDs
  • you communicate very well with each other
  • you have had *successful* sex together (say that five times fast)
  • you have never cheated on him and he has never cheated on you (if you have to ask...yes, it counts)
  • the things that you agree to disagree on, you will continue to AGREE to disagree on
  • If one party is entering the marriage with more money, a prenup is signed
  • you have discussed children, whether to have them and how to raise them
  • he has NEVER hit you (not even once, when he was really drunk)
If these statements do not describe your relationship and you get married anyway: Your marriage will fail...one way or another. I promise. This list does not depict my friends' courtship...if they decide to follow through with their engagement, I'm buying them a collection of self-help books as a wedding present.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

A Sports Rant (and Rave) of Sorts

I live in a sports house. Meaning: we like sports. Having said that, there o'course are sports that are liked better than others and are therefore followed more enthusiastically than the rest. The husband has replaced basketball with baseball as his secondary sport of choice, because a) Michael Jordan retired b) Michael Jordan retired again c) I bleed for baseball. We both enjoy football as our primary sport of choice. I am a Denver Broncos fan. He is a crazeee pants Dallas Cowboys fan. He loves them, period. A Cowboys victory is his ecstasy; a Cowboys loss is his rock-bottom. He may not admit to these extremes...but, trust me...I'm right...his mom will back me up on this.

I heart baseball. I am from Northern Virginia, before the Expos moved to town under a new moniker (the Nationals), our region supported exclusively, the Baltimore Orioles. Like many others, I grew up cheering for the O's. As a fan of America's pastime and the Birds, I felt a responsibility to recruit my serious boyfriend at the time (now my husband) to the Cracker Jack loving, peanut eating cult. I looked at the schedule and decided the game between my Orioles and the Texas Rangers on August 21, 1993 would be the perfect day to indoctrinate him. You see, Nolan Ryan had announced his retirement at season's end and this was a waning opportunity to see both he and Cal Ripken, Jr go head to head, as Ryan was pitching. The Orioles won the game...in extra innings...we stayed until the very end and the husband was happy to join my cult.

Fast forward a hundred years later (give or take), I still consider myself a devotee of the Birds. Even if Peter Angelos is a giant turd from the planet, Shitstar...who has more money than half of the teams in MLB and a gorgeous ballpark at Camden Yards, yet he doesn't have the passion to invest in a winning team and won't sell the franchise. 1983 was the last time we won the Series. The last year of respectability was 1997, when we went wire-to-wire, only to lose a freakish series to the Indians in the ALCS:

Ahhhhhhh, let's recap....Picture it October 1997:

  • Game 1: O's win at home
  • Game 2: Grissom's 3-run homer off of Armando Benitez (memba him? Before he was our closer, he was Randy Myer's set up man...he wasn't great at either) Indians win
  • Game 3: BOTTOM OF THE 12TH: 1-1 tie, Omar at the plate showing bunt, Grissom on third...ball was clearly fouled off, though - not called 'foul' by home plate umpire, ball gets away from Lenny Webster, Grissom scores, Davey Johnson argues to no avail, Indians win and celebrate obnoxiously
  • Game 4: at the Jake a rather bizarre loss for the O's in a close game, that included a wild pitch and a strange play at the plate
  • Game 5: O's win in Cleveland! Yay...back in it
  • Game 6: back at the Yard in Baltimore, SCORELESS until the top of the 11th when Tony Fernandez homered for the Indians, bottom of the 11th, Brady Anderson (aka the love of my life) hit a two-out single...a pulse...UNTIL...Roberto Alomar was called out on strikes on a suspect (inside) pitch, probably because Alomar spat on an umpire the year before...revenge is a bitch and so is Robbie Alomar, who may or may not have AIDS... Indians advance to the World Series
  • After the 97' season GM (and all around baseball genius) Pat Gillick's contract was not renewed and Manager (and all around baseball genius) Davey Johnson resigned because Angelos is quite possibly the worst creature in the Milky Way
  • We haven't had a winning season since 1997...that's 12 years for those of you counting.
*head spinning*

Anyway, back to reality...where the Orioles are terrible....and it's fall which means Yankees in post season play (ugh) and FOOTBALL!!! My Broncos are FIVE and 0. Josh McDaniels is exactly what Denver needed...as I suspected and tweeted about after Shanahan was (shockingly...to all, but me) fiiired. Shugabetes was traded along with his insulin and tampons to the Bears for Kyle Orton...who I'll admit...I was skeptical about...but even I can't be right all the time and I'm now riding high on the Neck Beard bandwagon. Peter Angelos could learn a few things from Pat Bowlen...like how to act like a human being and how to run a successful sports franchise. Yeah, I hear you...there are like 11 more games to go this season...but the last time my Broncos went FIVE and 0 to start the season, was 1998 and they won the Super Bowl, the very same year that my Orioles began their demise.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Know Your Limits & Don't Try this at Home

Nothing says marital bliss like buying a new piece of furniture. Two weeks ago, the husband and I chose a new chair and ottoman for our bedroom. Today we brought it home...and let me just say: nothing says 'I hate you' like trying to carry new chair upstairs by ourselves. Apparently my husband is an expert furniture mover, which really doesn't surprise me since he is an expert on everything else.

For now the chair is sitting downstairs in the living room (on its side)...I am hopeful that it will be up in our bedroom soon, placed there carefully by more qualified individuals (that aren't married to one another).

Note to husband: I never claimed to be a furniture mover with super human strength. I deeply regret, whatever I did to give you that impression.

Here's the ottoman which we were able to manage (barely) without incident: