Sleep

Sleep. I love sleep. Fergie and I can sleep all day everyday. Today I woke up early, well for me, before nine is early. Don’t judge. Normally if I happen to wake up before I’m ready to get up, I can fall back to sleep. However, on this fine morning I was awakened by (what I now know is) the sound of my neighbor’s tree getting trimmed. Loverly. Did I mention I hate my neighbors? Fergie relocated and went back to sleep. I wish I had his will power.

Idea: Obama Administration: Apprentice

• Obama appoints a Reality Show Czar; I suggest either Steve from Jerry Springer or Joe Rogan
• Czar will recruit fresh talent for Deputy Cabinet posts
• Recruits are slightly vetted and immediately given challenges with deadlines. Challenges to include real issues along with dancing, singing and a cook off
• Winners win a trip to DC where they'll get to go before Congress (and pay all back taxes). Losers are fired and publicly humiliated while fulfilling a requirement to appear on Big Brother Cabinet Rejects
• Joe Biden will serve as the eliminator. His catch phrase: Domo arigato and sayonara shithead

Foto Friday

A spider that I poisoned with Windex on Wednesday! Isn't he big and scary...I. killed. him!

The latest issues...hmmmm...they need a bookshelf. Timmmmmmmber!

My latest attempt to exercise at home.

These are a few of my favorite things.

This is me after a few of my favorite things...notice the deranged stare...hot!

My best friend: Thermolean Extreme with ephedra

Man's best friend doing what he does best.

My latest shoe purchase

The latest issues crematory if I don't get a bookshelf.

About Last Night

To the fat fucker who argued with me last night about the World Baseball Classic, I was right. I hope to see you and your jowly face again so I can school you on other things.

Also Bill Moffet I don’t care about your stupid phone…quit showing it to me. Creepy weirdo, Rich…my name is Rebecca for the tenth time; also never talk to me again. Ted, I hate you and when I see you I want to knock that dumb hat off your head.

If you see me out, but you lack the proper equipment (a brain) to speak to me, try your very best not to. I don’t mean to hurt your feelings/ego…oh wait…yes I do and I will and then I’ll smile, go home to bed and have sweet dreams.

Hump Day Hunk - Bacon

Manny’s Steakhouse - Minneapolis
Applewood Bacon Appetizer

Recently while in Minneapolis I paid a visit to Manny’s Steakhouse. I love the cozy, dark, dining accommodations offered by most steak and chophouses. Having never been, I expected it would be typical of its kind. WRONG…Manny’s has relocated to the swanky, contemporary W Hotel at The Foshay Tower. I couldn’t help but judge as I walked through the abstract theater of the hotel lobby and in to the restaurant. I thought…I hate this place.

The restaurant was brightly lit, loud and packed. We sat at the bar. There was a loudmouth idiot to my left (and my husband sat to my right). The bartender put menus down and asked what we wanted to drink. Grey Goose and soda with a lemon I replied curtly, I looked over at my husband and told him one drink and I’m out. He asked the bartender to bring me the bacon. Whatever, I thought…I do like bacon. I rolled my eyes, downed my cocktail and shook the ice cubes in the glass, made eye-contact with the bringer of the drink and said ‘I’m ready’.

Halfway through my third cocktail…the bacon arrived. At that moment I felt like Homer Simpson…I wanted to kiss my husband, the bartender, the grill man, the butcher and the bacon. I think I even cracked a smile before I stabbed one of the better than half-inch thick slabs, and brought it to my lips, burning my mouth. The grilled salty, sweet applewood flavor was orgasmic for a baconist like myself.

I floated out of Manny’s with a slight buzz and a smile on my face. I felt a satisfaction I thought only sex could give. I’ve heard chocolate and heroin can offer the brain similar to sex pleasure…I recommend the bacon app at Manny’s, I dare you not to moan.

From Cuba with Love

Attorney General of Infidels
Eric Holder
Department of Justice
Washington DC 20005

24 March 2009

Infidel Holder

In addition to my usual request for martyrdom, my Islamic brothers and I demand to stay in Cuba. Have you visited this lovely land? The tropical climate is so much nicer than that of my homes in Kuwait, Afghanistan, Pakistan and that undisclosed location with the car batteries and pig’s blood.

I have learned many new customs. For example, I never knew of this magic paper to wipe my backside. Because of this I have discovered a new use for my left hand…ha…ha. The large breasted Red Cross lady frowns upon me doing this while she checks my prostate. But I have overcome the need for her services, as I am now quite flexible.

Occasionally we get to watch a great American film. The latest was called Napoleon Dynamite. Initially I was disappointed, as it was neither about Napoleon nor dynamite. But when life gives me lemons (or airplanes) I make pulp…I am now happy to report that I am the tetherball champion of Gitmo.

You and President Obama must not shut down my new home at Guantanamo Bay. Tell the President that I voted for him via absentee ballot. Some nice people from ACORN sent me a care package.

You can reach me on Facebook.com/jihadjerry or follow me on Twitter @The_Real_KSM

Death to America

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed
Mastermind
CEO al-Qaeda Cuban Division
Tetherball Champion – Guantanamo Bay

The Mc Factor

Thanks to a show called Grey’s Anatomy we have new terminology for somewhat desirable men. Enter McDreamy *gag* and McSteamy *double gag*. Having never watched Grey’s I assumed the show had something to do with a 24 hour McDonald’s and Cleveland Steamers. Apparently it does not.

Average actors, Patrick Dempsey and Eric Dane, play characters Dr. Shepard and Dr. Sloan...Mchuh? I don’t get the Mc factor. But again, I have never watched, I’m sure it makes perfect sense to the Grey’s faithful. As for me, Dempsey will always be Ronald Miller from Can’t Buy Me Love. I won’t pick on Dane because he had Skin Cancer (which I believe was punishment for being on Charmed).

I guess my point…which isn’t all that pointy…is that a television show, with the help of its psycho fans have the power to make an average person better with marketing. Which clearly doesn’t work in politics…considering uber average candidate/war hero John McCain (Mc factor, check; Skin Cancer, check) could only muster his age (give or take) in votes . 2012 GOP political propects: McMormon, McBarbie, McBJ and *shudder* McHuck *weeping*.

Chinese Food & Being Crude (also I'm a PIG)

Chinese take-out: So…as you know...today I was hanged-over that also translates into: I will eat my weight in food (typically Mexican or Chinese or whatever I can get my short-nailed fingers on). Today it was Chinese (Chicken Lo Mein and egg rolls along with the aforementioned hot dogs, a couple of bagels and a Krispy Kreme doughnut. I think that’s all) Wow…I hate myself…ok…I’m over it. Anyway…back to the Chinese food…(I have a point…maybe). Ahem…I hate it when you order Chinese take-out and it doesn’t come in those little Chinese carton thingies. It could be for a variety of reasons…they ran out, they don’t use them any more or they just want to fuck with me. It realllllllllly pisses me off. Don’t you agree? I thought you would!

Oh…yea, this didn’t happen today…but, guess what did…I got called crude and mannerless by an FNC reporter whose name rhymes with Schnavid NacNougall via Twitter…which I’m prettt-ttty excited about.

Ruskie Business

Soooooo on this fine day of rest I feel like Vladimir Putin’s ass. You’re right, I don’t actually know what his ass feels like…I’ve never touched it…it’s a metaphor people! Anyway, I’m amazed that scientific researchers have come up with a pill that you can take the morning after a wild sex romp sans birth control to prevent What’s His Face, Jr BUT they can’t/won’t/don’t make a pill that you (me) can take the night after drinking like the Russian Prime Minister.

I don’t know what Vlad does on days like today, if I ever meet him I’ll be sure to ask. This morning I woke up cursed the scale and my diet by eating two hot dogs with a side of marinara sauce...yea, I’m weird. I doubt if I would touch a hot dog in Russia. Rootin’ Tootin’ Putin probably just eats some borscht and shoots someone in the face. Unfortunately I don’t have a gun.

I’m quite certain that Putin and me have a lot more in common than just a love for vodka. In fact I’ll bet he shouts expletives at his hair, like I do. I 'm sure when his favorite pants are at the cleaners, he too makes heads roll. I also believe, like me, Vlad is a big fan of Sex and the City…’cept he wanted Carrie to end up with the Ruskie and I was glad she kicked that Commie to the curb for Mr. Big.

I’m sure these are safe assumptions to make; also I have no plans to visit The Russian Federation…but if I go missing…Vladi read this post and as I suspected, he’s still pissed about how SATC ended.

The Virgin Bloggage

I started this blog because well, I am hilarious. I was sitting here (or there…whatever) thinking…hmmm…I need to share my wit with the world…or at least you…hi Mom. Errr…actually, I hope my mom doesn’t read this…now I’m conflicted and sad. If she did I would have at least one fan…a fan that I would offend and potentially lose. Oh well, hang in there Mom…we’ve been through worse. Anyhow…where was I….ahhhhhh….me….I’m one of those funny people that you wish you could be like. I know this because I laugh at my own jokes and if you don’t get my jokes then I will laugh at you.

So welcome to my little speck on the web, I promise never to laugh at you (to your face…unless we meet then the deal is off). I am by no means a role model. But I do like to role play…so maybe I am a role model…hmmmm…dilemma. Anyhoo…I will weigh in on things that you care about, like what I ate and what happened after I ate like whether or not said meal was worthy of suicidal tendencies. I will be offensive but equally…like John Adams I believe all men are created equal (equally offendable).

Honey if you’re reading this, first of all hi, also…you need a haircut…I love you…but I think I could love you more if you got a haircut. I will try my best not to use this blog as a therapy tool for our marriage. Like how last night you wanted me to do that thing with the beads apparently we have a big misunderstanding about which half of me is Greek…I’m still looking into that one…some things are not available on ancestry.com